


Life Goes On, Season 1

by WildDogJJ



Category: Daria (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29020686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildDogJJ/pseuds/WildDogJJ
Summary: An episodic continuation of the story began in Life Goes On and picking up right after the Christmas Special.  Set in the New York City area, present day.
Relationships: Jamie White (Daria)/Original Character(s), Quinn Morgendorffer/Original Male Character(s), Sandi Griffin/Tom Sloane





	1. Chapter 1

In order to avoid confusion I've decided to open with a background timeline. Feel free to skip to the next chapter if you so wish...

**Background Timeline**

**1920:** Richard Barksdale (Helen's father) born.

**1922:** Twins Tess and Emma (Helen's mother) born.

**Fall, 1923:** Giacomo "Jackie" Carbone (Tony's father) born.

**Spring, 1924:** Angela DiSimone (Tony's mother) born.

**Aug. 10, 1927:** Adam "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer born.

**Oct. 24, 1927:** Ruth Higgins (Jake's mother) born.

**June 1942:** Angela and Jackie married (because he got her pregnant).

**Jan. 1, 1943:** Tony Carbone (Jim's father) born.

**Aug. 1944:** Mad Dog enlists in US Army.

**April - June, 1945:** Mad Dog at Okinawa.

**Sep. 1945:** Emma and Richard married.

**November, 1945:** Mad Dog awarded Medal Of Honor by President Truman.

**Late 1945/early 1946:** Vincent Lane born.

**June, 1946:** Ruth and Mad Dog married.

**Fall, 1946:** Johnny Carbone (Tony's brother) born.

**Spring, 1947:** Amanda Lane (nee Wozniack) born.

**Spring, 1948:** Eve Morgendorffer (Jake's sister) born.

**Fall, 1948:** Janice Carbone (Tony's sister) born.

**Spring, 1949:** Rita Barksdale born.

**Jan. 8, 1950:** Jake Morgendorffer born.

**July 14, 1950:** Helen Barksdale born.

**Sep. 1950:** Mad Dog sent to Korea.

**Nov./Dec. 1950:** Mad Dog wounded at Chosin Reservoir. Vows to mold Jake into a badass super soldier who can carry on the fight.

**Dec. 1951:** Bruno Carbone (Tony's second brother) born.

**Sep. 1952:** Gina Sorrenti (Jim's mother) born.

**Jan. 24, 1954:** Virginia "Ginny" Carbone (Tony's second sister) born.

**Spring, 1956:** Paulina Carbone (Tony's youngest sister) born.

**Fall, 1957:** Vito Carbone (Tony's youngest brother) born.

**1958:** Amy Barksdale born.

**June, 1961:** Tony enlists in US Army.

**Aug. 1961:** Jake sent to Buxton Ridge Military Academy.

**Late 1962/early 1963:** Doug and Charlene Thompson (Kevin's parents) born.

**1964/1965:** Tony undergoes Ranger training at Fort Benning.

**Summer, 1965:** Amanda and Vincent meet.

**Jan. 1967:** Tony sent to Vietnam.

**Spring, 1967:** Amanda and Vincent elope.

**Summer, 1967:** Summer Lane born.

**Feb. 1968:** At the height of the Tet Offensive Tony makes 100 confirmed enemy kills.

**Aug. 1968:** Jake and Helen start at Middleton College.

**Feb. 14, 1969:** Wind Lane born (irony).

**Aug. 1969:** Jake and Helen arrested in Boulder, CO.

**Dec. 1969:** Jake at Altamont.

**Nov. 1970:** Penny Lane born.

**Dec. 1970:** Tony captured by Viet Cong.

**Mar. 1971:** Tony escapes from POW camp and makes it back to US forces.

**Apr. 1971:** Tony sent back to US.

**July, 1971:** Tony awarded Medal Of Honor by President Nixon. This brings the total number of medals he won in Vietnam to eight (3 Bronze Stars, 2 Silver Stars, 1 Purple Heart, 1 Distinguished Service Cross and 1 Medal Of Honor).

**Sep. 1971 - Dec. 1975:** Tony stationed in Vicenza, Italy.

**Dec. 1971:** Tony and Gina meet.

**May, 1972:** Jake and Helen, along with Willow, Coyote and their other friends, graduate from Middleton. They then go to California and start a commune.

**Summer, 1973:** Jake and Helen leave commune.

**June, 1974:** Gina and Tony married.

**Dec. 1974:** Rita marries Bruce Chambers.

**June 26, 1975:** Jake and Helen married.

**Aug. 1975:** Mad Dog dies of a sudden heart attack.

**Aug. 1975:** Helen begins law school.

**Jan. 1976:** Trent Lane born.

**Spring, 1976:** Erin Chambers born.

**1977:** Rita and Bruce divorce.

**May, 1978:** Helen earns law degree.

**Sep. 1978:** Helen and Jake move to Highland, TX.

**Spring, 1979:** Tony selected for Delta Force.

**Fall, 1979:** Chris Carbone (Jim's brother) born.

**Apr. 1980:** Tony participates in failed attempt to rescue US hostages in Iran.

**Jan. 1981:** After leading Lawndale High to their first State Championship, Doug gets Charlene pregnant.

**Spring, 1981:** Richard Barksdale dies. Charlene and Doug married.

**Fall, 1981:** Tom Sloane born.

**Sep. 9, 1981:** Charles "Chuck" Ruttheimer the third (Upchuck) born.

**Sep. 15, 1981:** Kevin Thompson born.

**Sep. 21, 1981:** Sandi Griffin born.

**Oct. 10, 1981:** Jim Carbone born.

**Nov. 2, 1981:** Daria Morgendorffer born.

**May 25, 1982:** Jane Lane born.

**Aug. 1982:** Brittany Taylor born.

**Fall, 1982:** Jamie White born.

**Nov. 1982:** Nicole Yagami born.

**Jan. 31, 1983:** Quinn Morgendorffer born.

**March 19, 1983:** Stacy Rowe born.

**May 7, 1983:** Ann Carbone (Jim's sister) born.

**Oct. 1983:** Tony in Grenada.

**1984:** Tony begins black ops in Nicaragua under the command of Buck Conroy.

**Dec. 1986:** For their role in Iran/Contra both Tony and Buck are brought before a secret military tribunal. Tony is given a choice between early retirement or court martial. He takes early retirement so that he can keep his veterans benefits. Buck, on the other hand, isn't given a choice and the military courts strip him of his rank and give him a dishonorable discharge.

**1987:** Buck founds Black Sword Security Service. He promotes himself to General and makes Tony his Command Sergeant Major.

**Summer, 1987:** Trent and Jessie Moreno start playing guitar.

**Fall, 1988:** Jake and Helen have major fight about Daria.

**Fall, 1991:** Trent, Jessie, Monique and Max Tyler form Mystik Spiral.

**1991/1993:** Tommy Sherman leads Lawndale High to their second State Championship.

**1993:** Sandi held back in 5th grade.

**1993/1994:** Tommy Sherman leads Lawndale High to a third State Championship, becoming a legend in the process.

**Summer, 1994:** Daria and Quinn at Camp Grizzly.

**August, 1995:** Tony sends Jim to Buxton Ridge, over Gina's objections.

**Spring, 1996:** Monique quits Mystik Spiral and joins The Harpies. Is replaced by Nick Campbell.

**May, 1996:** After months of incessant badgering by Gina, Tony finally gives in to her demand that Jim be taken out of military school.

**September, 1997:** The Morgendorffers move to Lawndale, MD.

**Fall, 1997:** Daria, Season 1.

**1997/1998:** Chris leads football team to State Championship.

**Spring, 1998:** Daria, Season 2. Erin marries Brian Danielson.

**Aug. 1998:** Chris attends Penn State of full athletic scholarship, which Tony's immensely proud of.

**Fall, 1998:** Daria, Season 3.

**Spring, 1999:** Daria, Season 4.

**Summer, 1999:** Is It Fall Yet?

**Fall, 1999 - Spring, 2000:** Daria, Season 5.

**Spring, 2000:** Is It College Yet?

**Aug. 2000:** Daria begins at Raft, Mack begins at Vance, Jodie begins at Turner, Brittany begins at Great Prairie State, Chuck begins at MIT and Tom begins at Bromwell. Jim also attends Bromwell on a full academic scholarship, to Tony's immense displeasure.

**Fall 2000 - Spring, 2001:** Quinn, Season 1.

**Jan. 2001:** Jane begins at BFAC.

**Spring, 2001:** Mystik Spiral relocate to Mirage.

**June, 2001:** Kevin and Brittany get back together.

**Summer, 2001:** Jane takes extra courses in order to catch up to Daria.

**Aug. 2001:** Quinn, Stacy and Nicole start at Boston State.

**Oct. 2001:** Brittany and Kevin married...because he got her pregnant.

**Dec. 2001:** Jamie enlists in US Army.

**Spring, 2002:** Ultra Thompson born. Yes, they thought Daria was serious when she made a remark about naming their first born after Ultra Cola.

**Spring, 2002:** Sandi disowned by Linda after she comes out as bisexual. Is forced to take a job as a stripper in order to make ends meet.

**Summer - Fall, 2002:** Jamie in Afghanistan.

**Jan. 2003:** Helen makes partner after threatening a gender discrimination suit.

**Mar. 2003:** Jamie part of US invasion of Iraq.

**May, 2004:** Daria graduates from Raft, Jane graduates from BFAC, Chuck graduates from MIT, Tom and Jim graduate from Bromwell.

**June, 2004:** Jim moves to Oakwood after Tom gets him a job at Grace, Sloane and Paige.

**Summer - Fall, 2004:** Jamie's second deployment to Iraq. Participates in Battle Of Fallujah.

**Aug. 2004:** Daria begins grad school at Boston State.

**Spring, 2005:** Mystik Spiral break up. Trent moves to Boston in order to mooch off of Jane and Daria.

**May, 2005:** Quinn, Stacy and Nicole graduate from Boston State. Quinn breaks up with her college sweetheart after he fails to go pro.

**June, 2005:** Chuck and Stacy move back to Lawndale.

**Summer, 2005 - Summer, 2006:** Quinn, Season 2.

**Aug. 2005:** Quinn returns to Lawndale in order to take over Morgendorffer Consulting while Jake recovers from a second heart attack. Having nowhere else to go, Nicole comes with her.

**2006:** Jamie's third deployment to Iraq. Participates in Battle Of Ramadi.

**Jan. 2006:** Stacy and Chuck married.

**Spring, 2006:** Jake returns to work and is so impressed that he makes Quinn his full business partner.

**Spring, 2006:** Erin and Brian divorce. Quinn gives Erin a job as her personal assistant.

**Fall, 2006 - Summer, 2007:** Quinn, Season 3.

**Spring, 2007:** Jamie placed on IRR (Inactive Ready Reserve) status. Returns to Lawndale.

**May, 2007:** Daria earns PhD in literature.

**Summer, 2007:** Jamie and Nicole start dating.

**Fall, 2007:** Jamie attends Lawndale State on GI Bill.

**Nov. 2007:** Brittany gives birth to twins Angie and Nikki Thompson.

**Spring, 2008:** Jamie moves in with Nicole. Jim starts YouTube channel.

**Summer, 2008-Summer, 2009:** Quinn, Season 4.

**Aug. 2008:** Bad economy forces Daria to move back in with her parents.

**Sep. 2008:** Jamie called back to active duty. Nicole and Jamie elope.

**Jan. 2009:** Morgendorffer Consulting becomes casualty of the recession. Quinn starts S'mores 'n' Pores.

**Mar. 2009:** Jamie's convoy ambushed in Baghdad. Loses both legs in the ensuing fire fight.

**Apr. 2009:** Charles Ruttheimer the fourth, Chuck and Stacy's son, born.

**May, 2009:** Lisa Thompson, Kevin and Brittany's fourth child, born.

**Aug. 2009 - May, 2010:** Quinn, Season 5.

**Aug. 2009:** Jamie awarded Medal Of Honor by President Obama.

**Dec. 2009:** Tom and Sandi start dating.

**May 22, 2010:** Quinn and Jim married.

**2010/2011:** Tony and Gina divorce. In retaliation Tony calls in some favors to have her stripped of her US citizenship and deported back to Italy.

**2011:** Alyssa Lane born.

**May, 2011:** Jamie graduates from Lawndale State.

**Summer, 2011:** Jamie and Nicole move to Glenville, NY after Jamie takes a job teaching history at the local high school. Chuck gives Nicole's job at Feisty IT to Sandi, allowing her to FINALLY leave her stripping days behind her.

**Spring, 2012:** Quinn "Q" Ruttheimer, Chuck and Stacy's daughter, born.

**June, 2012:** Sandi and Tom married.

**June, 2012:** Kevin Thompson Junior born. Unbeknownst to Kevin, Kevin Jr. is actually the product of an extra-marital affair between Brittany and her personal trainer.

**July, 2012:** Daria moves to New York after landing a staff writing job at a major TV network.

**Fall, 2013:** Rachel White, Nicole and Jamie's daughter, born.

**Nov. 3, 2013:** Quinn gives birth to triplets Tommy, Timmy and Teddy Carbone.

**Spring, 2014:** Sandi gives birth to twins Shane and Alexis Sloane.

**Summer, 2014:** The Ruttheimers move to West Palm Beach, FL.

**July, 2015:** Helen retires. She and Jake move to a senior community in West Palm Beach.

**Spring, 2018:** The Sloanes move to New York.

**Summer, 2019:** The Carbones move to Glenville, NY.

**Fall, 2019:** Alyssa Lane shows up at Trent's place in Glenville with a note explaining who she is. A subsequent paternity test proves that Trent is indeed Alyssa's father. She's been living with him since then.

Now, on to the actual story...


	2. Dysfunction Junction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being embarrassed by Jim and the triplet's behavior at a dinner party Quinn becomes convinced that her family is dysfunctional. She becomes obsessed with making them "normal" by any means necessary.

**Opening Montage**  
 **Music:** "I May Hate You Sometimes" by The Posies

At first we see a still of Daria at her high school graduation. This is immediately followed by a still of Quinn at her graduation. From there we cut to a shot of Quinn in a college dorm with Nicole. This is followed by Daria and Jane in their apartment in Boston. Cut to a still of Quinn and Jim's first meeting on a train. This is followed by a shot of Nicole and Jamie kissing on the beach. From there we cut to a shot of Daria and Jane staring at an eviction notice. Cut to a shot of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. This is followed by a shot of Daria taking a job in New York and moving into her own place. Next, a shot of Sandi and Tom's wedding. This is followed by a shot of Quinn at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see a For Sale sign going up in front of Quinn and Jim's house in Lawndale. This is followed by a shot of them moving into a new house in New York. Next, a shot of Trent sleeping on the job while his bartender, Smitty, rolls his eyes. Then, a shot of Tommy and Timmy playing with Shane and Lexi Sloane while Alyssa Lane shreds on a guitar in the background with Teddy and Rachel White (Jamie and Nicole's daughter) watching with obvious disdain. The adults all enter the picture as it morphs into a group shot of the main cast gathered in the Carbone's front yard and we hear the chorus "I may hate you sometimes, but I'll always love you." A caption forms in front of them. It reads...

**"Life Goes On"**   
**Ep. 101**   
**"Dysfunction Junction"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**  
 **Scene 1**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** Master bedroom

Quinn was seated at the vanity putting on a gold ear ring. Her hair was styled in an upward pony tail with curled bangs and she was wearing a black evening dress that was both sexy and elegant. Jim emerged from the bathroom wearing a suit. He was in the process of putting on his tie.

Jim: "Dammit, now I remember what I miss least about my corporate job days...wearing a tie. Damn thing feels like a noose." (He turns to his wife.) "I don't get why we have to get all dolled up like this anyway. It's just dinner at the Sloane's."

Quinn faces her husband.

Quinn: "Jim, it's not just dinner at the Sloane's, it's a dinner party. Various members of high society are gonna be here tonight...with their families. These things are very formal."

Jim calmed down.

Jim: "Sorry if I seemed a little worked up. I just never felt comfortable in a suit and tie."

Quinn grins seductively.

Quinn: "But you look very sexy in one...as in 'I'm sooo jumping your bones tonight' sexy."

Jim returns the compliment.

Jim: "I'm not the only one. You look so hot I wish I could tear off that dress and have my way with you right now."

Quinn kept up the flirtation.

Quinn: "Keep it in your pants for now, stud. Once we get back you can rip my dress off and ravage me all night long." (She then changes the subject.) "Anyway, could you go see if the kids are ready?"

Jim grins.

Jim: "Gladly. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can come home and make with the loving."

Quinn blushes in anticipation.

 **Int. Shot:** Living room, a minute later

Quinn and Jim's seven year old triplet sons, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy, are wearing almost identical suits (Timmy's is in a larger size due to his being overweight). While Teddy's one the couch reading The Great Gatsby Tommy and Timmy are engaged in a shouting match.

Timmy: "Do not!"

Tommy: "Do too!"

Timmy: "DO NOT!"

Tommy: "DO TOO!"

Teddy rolls his eyes and puts his book down.

Teddy: "Could you guys please take your lack of maturity elsewhere?"

At this point Jim enters the room.

Jim: "What's going on?"

Teddy: "I'm trying to read but Tommy and Timmy won't stop arguing over which one of us you and Mom love most."

Both Tommy and Timmy stare daggers at Teddy.

Tommy: "Mom and Dad love me most because I'm cool and have lots of friends!"

Timmy: "I'm funny and nice! I'm the one Mom and Dad love most!"

Jim immediately intervenes.

Jim: "Boys, your mother and I love all three of you equally."

Timmy looks confused while Tommy looks disappointed.

Tommy: "But, Dad.."

Quinn enters the living room.

Quinn: "What's going on?"

Both Tommy and Timmy run up to their mother.

Tommy: "Mom, tell Timmy I'm the one you and Dad love most!"

Timmy: "Mom, you're always telling me how sweet and adorable I am!"

Quinn immediately takes charge of the situation.

Quinn: "Boys, all three of you are sweet and adorable in your own unique ways. Your father and I love you all equally." (She switches topics before either one has a chance to protest.) "Now, boys, this is a formal get together we're going to, so I want all three of you on your best behavior. Tommy, no acting out for attention. Timmy, no inappropriate jokes. Teddy, try to interact with the other kids without putting them down. Is that clear?"

All three boys: "Yes, Mom."

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Sloane Manor, evening

The house is a massive three-story colonial style mansion with a large entry way with white pillars. The massive property includes a multi-car garage, a rose garden, an olympic sized swimming pool and a hedge maze. Quinn's Cadillac Escalade pulls up to the front entrance where a valet is waiting. As the Carbone's emerge from the car Quinn hands over the keys.

Valet: "Thank you, ma'am."

Jim: "Try not to ding it, please."

The valet shrugs.

Valet: "Whatever."

As the valet parks the SUV Quinn, Jim and the boys approach the front entrance.

 **Int. shot:** The main hall

The main hall is encircled by a grand stairway with a huge fountain in the middle. Tom Sloane and his wife, Sandi (nee Griffin), are greeting guests. Jim walks up to shake Tom's hand.

Jim: "Hey, Tom."

Tom: "Glad you guys could make it."

Sandi smiles in a manner that is both warm and insincere.

Sandi: "Quinn, so glad you could join us."

Before Quinn could say anything Tommy and Timmy interrupt.

Tommy: "Whoa! Check out the fountain!"

Timmy: "Cool! It's like an indoor pool!"

Tommy: "Last one in's a rotten egg!"

They were about to make a break for it when Jim grabbed each one by a shirt collar.

Jim: (stern) "Don't even think about it, you little hellions!"

Quinn: "Jim!"

Jim calms down.

Jim: "Sorry! Boys, remember what your mother said about being on your best behavior."

At this point another couple approaches. The woman has dark hair and looks like a femme fatal while the man, who's much older, has receding hair that's gray at the temples and a mustache.

Tom: "Mr. and Mrs. Vandermeade! Welcome!"

Mr. Vandenmeade: "Ah, Thomas Sloane! How are you?"

Tom: "I'm good!"

Sandi and Mrs. Vandenmeade shake hands. As they do, Mrs. Vandenmeade nods in Quinn's direction.

Mrs. Vandenmeade: "Mrs. Sloane, who's she?"

Sandi: "Quinn, the S'mores 'n' Pores girl."

Mrs. Vandenmeade gives Quinn a disdainful look before turning her attention back to Sandi.

Mrs. Vandenmeade: "You truly are a kind woman to invite plebians to this gathering."

Sandi: "What can I say? It's good to give the less fortunate a taste of how the other half live from time to time."

Mrs. Vandenmeade: (snotty laugh) "How true! Just don't use the fine China tonight."

Cut to the Carbone's. Quinn looks insecure while Teddy looks neutral and Jim stares daggers at the rich bitch.

Teddy: (sarcastic) "Well, this is off to a great start."

Quinn: (sharp tone) "Teddy!"

Cut to both the Sloane's and the Vandenmeade's looking on disdainfully.

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Int. Shot:** The ballroom

We see a live band playing a Viennese Waltz. Several couples are dancing. At the refreshments other people are schmoozing. We find Quinn and Sandi chatting by the punch bowl.

Quinn: "This is a nice party, Sandi."

Sandi: "You sound as if you expected otherwise, Quinn."

Quinn: "Oh, Sandi, I'm just paying you a compliment."

Cut to Jim chatting with Tom and some other guys.

Rich Guy: (to Jim) "So, Mr...What's your name again?"

Jim: "Carbone."

Rich guy: "Is that French?"

Jim: "Italian."

The rich guy stares at Jim. Cut to the rich guys POV and we see Jim suddenly morph into Tony Soprano. Cut back to third person as the rich guy stares uncomfortably at Jim.

Rich guy: "I see..." (He suddenly looks around.) "...Oh, some more friends of mine are over there. I'd better say hi."

The rich guy walks away in an uncomfortable hurry.

Jim: (under his breath) "WASP son of a whore."

Tom: "Jim, Timmy's making the guests uncomfortable."

Jim looks in the direction Tom's pointing. Cut to Timmy telling a joke.

Timmy: "...the poor man said I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo. She doesn't like the slippers, she can go f#$% herself."

The laughter from the adults is clearly forced. Cut to Quinn and Sandi. Quinn is simultaneously embarrassed and furious. She's about to go over and scold Timmy when an elderly debutante approaches her and Sandi.

Debutante: "Who is that vulgar child?"

Sandi points to Quinn.

Sandi: "Her son."

Debutante: (to Quinn) "I see you've never taught your child manners. Shameful!" (She turns to Sandi) "Unlike you. Shane and Alexis are such perfect little angels."

Sandi: (beaming proudly) "Naturally, my children know how to keep themselves in polite company."

Quinn: "You know, even the best behaved children act up sometimes."

Debutante: "Not if you raise them properly."

Quinn wants to chastise Timmy, but doesn't for fear of causing even more of a scene.

Sandi: "Now, Mrs. Sullivan, not everyone is blessed with the perfect little angels I have."

Mrs. Sullivan softens her tone.

Mrs. Sullivan: "I'm sure you're right." (She turns to Quinn) "Sorry I was so judgmental."

Quinn: "It's okay."

Cut to an embarrassed Jim approaching the wet bar, which is staffed by a Latin American man.

Bartender: "What will it be, senor?"

Jim: "A beer."

Bartender: "My apologies, senor, but we only have martini's and champagne. No cervesas!"

Jim sighed as he grew visibly more uncomfortable.

Jim: "Fine, a gin martini...and be extra generous with the gin."

The bartender proceeds to make Jim's drink.

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Int. Shot:** a hallway

A bunch of little kids are staring at a portrait of Tom and Sandi looking particularly distinguished. Among the kids are Tommy Carbone and Shane Sloane. Both boys are showing off to the other kids. One of the servants brings out a step ladder and places it in front of the painting.

Servant: "Here you are, young master Shane."

Shane: "Thank you, Smedley."

He gives Smedly a hundred dollar bill. Smedley pockets the money and leaves. Once he's gone, Shane smirks.

Shane: "Check this out!"

Shane takes a red permanent marker out of his pocket and climbs on the step ladder. He draws devil horns and a mustache on Tom. After this, Shane comes down the ladder and offers the marker to Tommy.

Shane: "Your turn!"

Tommy is reluctant.

Tommy: "Shane, are you sure this is a good idea?"

Shane: "Come on, Tommy, don't be a wuss!"

Feeling the pressure, Tommy takes the marker and climbs the ladder. He draws large boobs on Sandi. He's filling out the nipple on one when...

Sandi: (VO, off screen) "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!"

Pan out to see a very angry Sandi standing behind the kids. Cut to Tommy freezing with fear. Cut to Shane crying fake tears.

Shane: "Muh...Mommy, I...I tried to stop him!!! H...HE SAID I WASN'T COOL IF I DIDN'T LET HIM!!! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Sandi completely buys her son's act. She proceeds to angrily yank Tommy down from the step ladder.

Sandi: "HOW DARE YOU!!! LET'S SEE WHAT YOUR MOTHER HAS TO SAY ABOUT THIS, YOUNG MAN!!"

 **Int. Shot:** The ballroom, a minute later

Tommy is cowering by Quinn as a very irate Sandi finishes telling her what happened.

Quinn: (angry) "Dammit, Tommy! What the hell were you thinking!?"

Tommy: "But, Mom, Shane did it first! He said I was a wuss if I didn't!"

Shane is by his mother. He plays his innocent victim act to the hilt.

Shane: "He's lying, Mrs. Carbone! I'd never disrespect my Mommy and Daddy like that!"

Quinn falls for Shane's act, just as Sandi had.

Quinn: "Dammit, Tommy! First, you deface something that isn't yours and now you lie and blame it on someone else!!!"

Just then, a chorus of childrens voices come from the main hall.

Children: (VO, off screen) "JUMP, TIMMY, JUMP!"

 **Int. Shot:** Main hall, at that moment

Timmy is at the top of the balcony, preparing to jump into the fountain as the other kids egg him on.

Kids: "JUMP, TIMMY, JUMP!"

Timmy does a belly flop into the fountain. Close up as he emerges from the water. What he sees makes him freeze up.

Timmy: "EEP!"

Cut to his POV and we see a very pissed off Quinn standing right over him.

Quinn: "DAMMIT, TIMMY, DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU COULD'VE SERIOUSLY HURT YOURSELF JUST NOW!!"

Cut to third person as Quinn angrily yanks him out of the water. Suddenly, a gray haired woman approaches Quinn. This woman was dragging Teddy by the ear.

Woman: (angry) "Mrs. Carbone, you need to teach this boy some manners!"

Quinn lets out a frustrated sigh.

Quinn: "What did he do?"

Woman: (indignant) "He called me a bony old crone!"

Teddy: (defensive) "She kept pinching my cheeks! I asked her to stop nicely, but she wouldn't so I let her have it!"

Before Quinn can either scold Teddy or apologize to the old woman cut to Tom approaching.

Tom: "Quinn, your husband's making a scene!"

Quinn's face instantly loses all color.

 **Int. Shot:** The ballroom

Everyone is staring in shock as the pianist plays "Somebody's Watching Me" while a visibly drunk Jim sings into a microphone.

Jim: "I... _hic..._ I alwayz feels lig... _urp_...sumbuddiez washin' meez... _hic_...ans I gots no privazees... _urp_..."

Cut to a shocked and horrified Quinn.

Quinn: "Oh, god!"

Cut back to stage. Jim sees Quinn.

Jim: "Ey, Sexsy... _hic_... _hic_...BLEEEEAAAAAACCCCHCHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

He pukes all over the floor. Cut to all the assembled guests alternating between looking at Jim with disapproval and Quinn with pity. Cut to Quinn looking like she wishes she could become invisible.

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Sloane manor, later that evening

Cut to show Mr. and Mrs. Vandenmeade entering their car, a Rolls Royce.

Mrs. Vandenmeade: "I can't believe the Sloane's keep those barbarians around!"

Mr. Vandenmeade: "I know. That family is so uncivilized!"

The Vandenmeade's drive away. Cut to see a family that looks identical to the Cleaver's from Leave It To Beaver.

Ward Cleaver: "Did you boys have fun tonight?"

Wally: "We sure did, Dad."

Beaver just nods.

June: "You boys are so perfect."

The Carbone's are right behind them. Jim is visibly drunk. Quinn speaks to June Cleaver.

Quinn: "I wanna apologize for my family's conduct."

June speaks matter of factly with a not-at-all-subtle hint of condescention in her voice.

June: "I pity you, Mrs. Carbone."

At this point, a valet brings the Cleaver's SUV up and hands Ward the keys. We see the Cleaver's all get in and slowly drive off, immediately followed by Quinn's Escalade being brought to the curb. Cut to Quinn looking envious as the valet hands her the keys. Cut to Quinn's POV as we watch a drunk Jim stumble into the passenger side while the boys start fighting over seats in the back.

Tommy: "HEY, I CALL THAT SEAT!!"

Timmy: "NO, I CALL IT!!!"

Teddy: "I DON'T SEE YOUR NAMES ON IT, YOU IDIOTS!"

Cut to Quinn as she sighs. Cut to her POV and we see another family. They look perfect. The husband is clearly sober, the kids are all smiles and they're all visibly happy. Cut to Quinn as she turns back toward her own family. Cut to her POV and we see that Jim and the boys now have horns, yellow eyes and evil smiles.

Jim: (demonic voice) "Come on, Quinn. Room for one more!"

Tommy: (demonic voice) "Yeah, you can't escape this hell!"

Timmy: (demonic voice) "Yeah, you're one of us!"

Cut to third person and we see that they don't look demonic, that was just Quinn's imagination. Cut back to Quinn's POV and her family once again look like demons.

Whole family (sounding demonic): "ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US! ONE OF US!"

Cut back to third person. Quinn lets out a resigned sigh as she makes her way to the car.

* * *

**Act II**  
 **Scene 1**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day  
 **Int. Shot:** Home office

Quinn is alone in the office talking on the phone.

Quinn: "Sandi, I wanna apologize for my family's behavior last night."

Split screen to reveal Sandi on the other end of the line with a smug grin on her face.

Sandi: "It's alright, Quinn. We can't all have perfect families." (Her voice takes on a condescending tone.) "I mean just because my husband's handsome, rich and can hold his liquor..."

Quinn picks up on the air of superiority in her friend's voice.

Quinn: "Now, Sandi..."

Sandi interrupts.

Sandi: "Let me finish, Quinn. I was saying I don't hold it against you that your husband got drunk and made a fool of himself. I also understand that your children are not the perfect little angels that mine are."

Quinn visibly takes offense.

Quinn: "Excuse me!"

Sandi: "Quinn, Timmy did a belly flop into the water fountain. If that fountain weren't so deep he would've seriously hurt himself. Also, Tommy defaced a family portrait and tried to blame it on Shane. Add to that Teddy's gross disrespect toward Mrs. Covington.."

Quinn immediately interrupted.

Quinn: (through gritted teeth) "What are you getting at...Sandee?"

Sandi: "Well, Kuh-winn, it seems that you haven't taught your children to properly behave. You need to get your house in order."

Quinn: "Sandi, as a fellow parent you know perfectly well that even the best kids act up from time to time."

Sandi (superior tone): "Not mine. Nor does my husband get drunk and make an ass of himself in front of everyone." (pause) "Although, just because I have a NORMAL family.."

Quinn struggles not to totally lose it.

Quinn (icy tone): "Excuse me!"

Sandi: "Don't be so sensitive, Kuh-winn. I'm not insulting you, merely stating a simple fact. Normal families don't act like yours did last night. NORMAL kids are obedient and respectful and NORMAL husbands don't get so wasted that they make totally fools of themselves. What Jim and the boys did last night is sooo not done." (Her demeanor becomes friendly) "Quinn, it's nothing personal, but last night your family's atrocious behavior made me almost ashamed to know you."

Quinn says nothing but looks VERY insecure.

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** The dinning room

The whole family is sitting down to Sunday dinner. Jim and the boys are visibly dismayed as they normally eat in the kitchen and reserve the dinning room for get togethers.

Jim: "Quinn, why are we eating in the dinning room instead of in the kitchen?"

Quinn: "Because that's where NORMAL families eat, and we clearly aren't normal."

Jim and the boys all stare questioningly at Quinn. She proceeds to explain further.

Quinn: "The behavior of all four of you last night was absolutely atrocious. I've never felt so ashamed." (She turns to Jim) "You got drunk and made a complete fool of yourself in front of everyone."

Jim: "Quinn, I'm sorry. You know how uncomfortable I get at formal events."

Quinn: "QUIET!" (She turns to the boys) "And you three. Defacing property, telling dirty jokes, disrespecting elders! What the hell were you thinking!?"

Teddy: "That I don't like having my cheeks pinched."

Cut to Timmy loading food on his plate, which Quinn sees.

Quinn: "Timmy, not yet!"

Timmy: "But, Mom, I'm hungry!"

Quinn (firm): "Not until we say grace!"

Jim: "Since when do we say grace before a meal?"

Quinn: "Since now! Everyone bow your heads!"

The rest of the family does as they're told and bow heads while folding hands in prayer.

Tommy: "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub! Amen!"

Jim and the boys all make a sign of the cross and proceed to start serving themselves. Quinn grows even more frustrated.

Quinn: "DAMMIT, that's not how you say grace!" (She takes a breath to calm herself) "Let's try again!"

Annoyed, Jim and the boys bow heads and fold hands yet again.

Quinn: "Lord, we..."

Timmy interrupts.

Timmy: "Good food, good drink, good God, let's eat!"

Jim, Tommy and Timmy: "Amen!"

They make a sign of the cross and resume eating until...

Quinn: "DAMMIT! WE'RE GOING TO SAY GRACE PROPERLY!"

After a collective 'eep' they once again bow heads and fold hands.

Quinn: "Lord, we thank you for bestowing upon us this bounty we are about to consume. We are also grateful for your mercy and compassion..." (Her recent insecurities start to bleed into the prayer) "...even though we are totally unworthy because...well...OH, GOD, WHY DID YOU SMITE ME WITH THIS FAMILY!?! YOU SAW LAST NIGHT! MY HUSBAND DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE IN POLITE SOCIETY AND MY KIDS ARE TOTAL HELLIONS! WHY, GOD!? WHY!?!"

Jim and the boys: "AMEN!"

Quinn immediately cuts them off.

Quinn: "I'M NOT FINISHED, DAMMIT!!!"

Jim decides this has gone on long enough.

Jim: "Quinn, the food's getting cold! How long do we have to listen to you bash us to the man upstairs?"

Timmy's eyes go wide with wonder.

Timmy: "We have a man living upstairs!?"

Teddy rolls his eyes.

Teddy: "Timmy, you're an idiot."

Jim: "HEY! Don't insult your brother, Teddy!"

Tommy: "Yeah! That's my job!"

Quinn groans in frustration.

Quinn: "This is exactly what I'm talking about! We can't even say grace without it turning into some kind of fight! It's like we're freaking savages!"

Tommy: "Cool!"

Quinn: "No, it isn't, and it stops now! First off, we're going to church every Sunday, like a normal family. The days of Mass attendance being only a Christmas and Easter thing are over!"

None of them relish this prospect.

Jim: "But Quinn, I like to sleep in on Sunday!"

Teddy: "I don't accept things not backed up by evidence, so I don't even believe in God!"

Timmy: "Muh-ohm, church is boring...and scary!"

Tommy: "Yeah! Why the hell do we have to go to church now?"

Quinn (angry): "You just answered your own question with that language, young man!"

Timmy becomes nervous.

Timmy: "Mom, you're scaring me!"

Quinn: "GOOD! Maybe I need to put some fear in all four of you!"

Even Jim's nervous now. He knows Quinn can be just as forceful as her mother.

Jim: "Quinn, calm down!"

Quinn give Jim a look so Helen-like, and his reaction is so Jake-like, that no one could fail to notice.

Jim: "Eep!"

Teddy rolls his eyes. Like his aunt Daria before him, it now falls on Teddy to be the voice of reason.

Teddy (calm, Daria-like monotone): "Mom, with all due respect this is an overreaction. Yes, our behavior last night caused you a great deal of embarrassment, but that's hardly a reason to think we're monsters destined for Hell. The sad truth is that all families are like this."

Quinn: "No, they aren't! None of the other kids at that dinner party were out of control and none of the other husband's got fall-on-their-ass drunk!"

Teddy: "Mom, we both know that's not true. Those people were just putting up a front because the truth means nothing at high society functions. It's all about appearances. No family is perfect. The ones who seem perfect are just putting up a convincing front."

Quinn angrily stood up.

Quinn: "That's it! We're all going for a little walk!"

Jim: "But, Quinn, what about dinner?"

Quinn: "NOW, Jim!"

Jim: "eep!"

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Outdoor Shot:** A sidewalk in Glenville

Quinn, Jim and the boys are walking through the neighborhood.

Timmy (whiny): "Muh-ohm, I'm starving!"

Tommy: "So what else is new?"

Teddy: "You're always hungry, Timmy. You should try starving."

Quinn (stern): "Quiet! We can eat after I prove to you just how messed up of a family we are."

They stop at a house.

Quinn: "Follow me, stay low and keep quiet!"

The whole family crouches as they sneak onto the front yard of the house they stopped at. They make their way to a dinning room window a peak inside.

Quinn (whisper): "See how a normal family has dinner?"

Cut to their POV. Inside the dinning room we see a smiling man carve a pot roast while his wife and children, also smiling, eagerly wait to be served. Cut back to the Carbones. All but Quinn are visibly surprised.

Teddy: "No arguing!"

Jim: "No off color jokes!"

Timmy: "No belching!"

Tommy: "Dude! This is sooo weird!"

Quinn: "No, this is how normal families act at the dinner table."

Jim: "You sure? As a kid my father used to rant and curse. If any of us dared say anything about it he wouldn't hesitate to use the belt."

Teddy: "I hate to admit it, but whenever Dad talks about his childhood I'm reminded that we're not so bad after all."

Quinn is adamant.

Quinn: "It only seems that way because none of you know how a normal family acts."

Teddy: "Mom, this is just one family. How do we know most other families aren't just as screwed up as us?"

Quinn grins. She'd anticipated such an argument from Teddy.

Quinn: "Let's look at another house, then."

Cut to later as the Carbones sneak up toward another window at another house and peer inside. Cut to their POV and we see a man, his wife and their two kids making lighthearted conversation in the living room. The TV isn't on and no one is playing video games or talking on their phones. Cut to the Carbones and we see Quinn grinning triumphantly while Jim and the boys stare in utter disbelief.

Tommy: "No video games!"

Teddy: "No TV!"

Timmy: "I don't get it! What do they do for fun?"

Quinn: "What they're doing right now, bonding over conversation."

Cut to their POV and we see the family inside are all smiles and appear to be speaking politely to each other. Cut back to a visibly amazed Jim.

Jim: "They...They actually enjoy talking to each other!?"

Cut to inside and we hear what's really going on.

Father: "You are the worst thing that ever happened to us, you waste of sperm!"

Son: "Yes, father. I'm worthless!"

Mother: "Lock yourself in the basement, you fucking little burden."

The weirdest thing is that they're all smiles as they speak these horrible things to each other. Cut back to outside as the Carbones watch the son leave the room.

Teddy: "Where's the son going?"

Quinn: "Probably to get a board game for the family to play?"

They see the daughter bounce in front of the father.

Quinn: "See how excited that girl is? She wants to play with her dad."

Cut to inside the house. We see that the little girl's expression is actually one of pure terror.

Daughter: "But Daddy, I don't want you touching me in bed tonight!"

The mother's warm smile is the exact opposite of her stern tone.

Mother: "You'll let your father touch you whenever he wants and touch him until he's satisfied, young lady!"

Cut to outside as the Carbones grossly misinterpret what's going on.

Quinn: "See how happy and stable this family is?"

Teddy (thought VO): _Why do I get the feeling what we're seeing isn't what it looks like?_

Cut to later as the Carbones are at another house spying on another family. Cut to their POV and we see a young couple cooing over their baby. Cut back to the Carbones.

Quinn: "Jim, remember how angelic the boys were at that age?"

Jim: "No, but I remember the dirty diapers and late night tantrums."

All three boys visibly take offense.

Tommy: "Hey!"

Teddy: "Yeah, we're right here."

Jim (sheepish): "Sorry!"

Quinn: "Now you all see, don't you? We've just seen three families who are normal. Not a bit of dysfunction among them."

Cut to inside the house. The man and woman continue to coo over the baby.

Man: "Our dark master will love this one!"

Woman: "I can't wait to give this child an offering at tomorrow night's black mass!"

Man: "Hail Satan!"

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Ext. Shot:** White residence, day  
 **Int. Shot:** Rachel's room

The room has lots of half finished artwork and art supplies all over the place, making it a far cry from what one would expect a seven year old girl's bedroom to be like. Teddy is sitting on the bed watching TV with Rachel, Jamie and Nicole's daughter as well as Teddy's best/only friend. Basically, these two are grade school versions of Daria and Jane. Cut to the TV and we see a woman sneeze on a man before she runs off laughing maniacally.

TV Announcer: "She caught Covid...and used it as a murder weapon! The Pandemic Psycho Killer, next on Sick, Sad World!"

As the TV cuts to a commercial we cut back to Teddy and Rachel.

Rachel: "So, let me get this straight. Your Dad got drunk and your brothers acted like normal seven year olds at a high society dinner party, and it's convinced your Mom that the whole family's dysfunctional?"

Teddy nods.

Teddy: "Last night she made us say grace at dinner, which degenerated into a rant about how horrible we all are. After that, Mom had us all stalking through the neighborhood to spy on other families."

Rachel: "And your Mom thinks YOU have the issues!?"

Teddy nods again.

Rachel: "Did you see anything screwed up?"

Teddy: "No. Granted, we could only peek through the windows, but what we saw looked like something out of a 50's sitcom."

Rachel: "That alone is pretty screwed up."

Teddy: "I'm pretty sure none of what we saw was what it looked like. It was so suspiciously cookie cutter. The problem is that now my Mom's even more convinced that we're all seriously messed up."

Rachel: "This is gonna get worse before it gets better, isn't it?"

Teddy nods a third time.

Teddy: "Unfortunately."

 **Int. Shot:** The kitchen

As Teddy and Rachel were watching TV upstairs Quinn and Nicole are having a conversation downstairs.

Nicole: "Quinn, your family's not that bad."

Quinn: "That's what I thought before the dinner party. Then, I saw how perfect all those families were. Last night, we saw other families and they were also perfect."

Nicole: "Quinn, how can you be sure? For one thing, appearances often differ from reality. I'm sure every one of those families has some kind of skeletons in their closets."

Quinn: "Nicole, my husband got drunk and made an ass of himself at the Sloane's dinner party."

Nicole: "Which is only a problem if it's a regular thing. A one time incident isn't proof you guys are messed up."

Quinn: "My kids misbehaved."

Nicole: "Which is what kids do."

Quinn: "Nicole, how do you keep your house in order?"

Nicole: "Quinn, it's not hard. Rachel knows better than to cross lines. True, she misbehaves sometimes, but she learns quickly and never makes the same mistake twice."

Quinn says nothing, but her expression makes it clear that her best friend's words are no consolation.

Nicole: "Quinn, I'm the one who's married to a physically disabled combat veteran. Maybe you guys should consider therapy."

Quinn raises an eyebrow.

Nicole: "Look, you might not even need it. If nothing else, it might help you see that you guys aren't as unusual as you think. Maybe you have issues that therapy can help with. In fact..."

Nicole reaches for her purse and pulls out a business card. She hands the card to Quinn. Cut to Quinn's POV as she looks at the card. It reads "Dr. Lisa Barone, MD, Family Psychiatrist". Cut to third person as Quinn looks at Nicole.

Nicole: "She's mine and Jamie's therapist. We've been seeing her since we moved here. She helps us learn how to better handle Jamie's issues."

Quinn (surprised): "He still needs therapy!?"

Nicole: "Actually, we're just doing maintenance work now so he won't go back to having nightmares and war flashbacks on a regular basis. Dr. Barone's really good."

Quinn looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Ext. Shot:** An office building in Glenville, day  
 **Int. Shot:** One of the hallways

The Carbone's are making their way to one of the offices.

Jim: "Quinn, why are you dragging us to a psychiatrist? We're not crazy."

Tommy: "If this gets out the other kids are gonna totally turn against me."

Quinn: "Look, we're a dysfunctional family. My hope is therapy will make us normal."

They approach a door that reads "Dr. Barone, Family Psychiatrist". Cut to the other side of the door as they enter the waiting room. Quinn leads her family to the sign in desk. Camera pans over to reveal the Cleaver look-alikes Quinn encountered at the dinner party. They look like they'd like nothing more than to kill each other. Cut to Quinn signing in. The receptionist, a young brunette in her early twenties, takes the sign in sheet.

Receptionist: "Have a seat. Dr. Barone will be with you shortly."

The Carbones all take a seat. Soon, a family consisting of a man, a woman and two great kids emerge from Dr. Barone's office all smiles.

Father: "We made great progress in there today. Ice cream for everyone."

Kids: "YAY!"

Cut to Quinn looking both envious and hopeful. Cut to the door to Dr. Barone's office. Dr. Barone is a woman in her mid-thirties with brown hair and a complexion similar to that of a supermodel. She looks at her itinerary before smiling at the Carbones.

Dr. Barone: "Mr. and Mrs. Carbone, come on in."

The whole family enters Dr. Barone's office. While Quinn looks excited Jim and the boys look like they're being led to their own execution.

* * *

**Act III**  
 **Scene 1**  
 **Ext. Shot:** An office building in Glenville, day  
 **Int. Shot:** Dr. Barone's office

Psychiatrist Lisa Barone was sitting in a chair while Quinn, Jim and the triplets sat directly across from her on a sofa.

Dr. Barone: "Now, for the first session I like to get inside the heads of the patients. To that end, I want you to each speak to me frankly and promise not to say anything until your turn. For this to work each of you needs to be one hundred percent honest with me. Understand?"

All five of the Carbone's nod.

Dr. Barone: "Wonderful!" (She turns to Jim) "Let's start with you, Mr. Carbone. What's one thing you'd change about each member of your family?"

Jim looks nervous.

Jim: "I...Well, I probably shouldn't say."

Dr. Barone: "Mr. Carbone, you need to be open and honest. Not just with me, but with your wife and children as well."

Jim: "Um...Well, I'll start with the kids. See, I wish Teddy was more social. I wish Timmy was more active and masculine and I wish Tommy wasn't such a handful. As for Quinn..."

Quinn immediately interrupts.

Quinn: "I'm the normal one. It's Jim and the boys who need help."

Dr. Barone: "Mrs. Carbone, wait your turn."

Quinn angrily folds her arms.

Jim: "Well, she does tend to be...well...rigid..."

Quinn interrupts again.

Quinn: "HEY! Tell me one time I wasn't flexible about something!"

Dr. Barone cuts Quinn off.

Dr. Barone: "Mrs. Carbone, wait your turn! We can talk about your control issues then."

Quinn takes offense.

Quinn (very angry): "CONTROL ISSUES!!!"

Jim (also angry): "GODDAMN RIGHT, CONTROL ISSUES! YOU ALWAYS UNDERMINE ME, YOU TALK TO ME LIKE I'M SOME LITTLE KID!! I'M 39 FUCKING YEARS OLD, GODDAMMIT!!!"

Cut to Teddy.

Teddy: "Maybe we should start with anger management."

Jim turns his wrath on Teddy.

Jim: "I'M NOT ANGRY, GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!!!!"

Timmy's now scared.

Timmy: "Daddy, you're scaring me!"

Quinn turns to Dr. Barone.

Quinn: "This is what I'm talking about. I have to be domineering because Jim constantly loses his temper."

Before Dr. Barone can say anything, Jim turns his wrath back on his wife.

Jim: "Maybe I wouldn't lose my shit if you didn't make me feel so damn inferior!"

Dr. Barone takes charge of the situation.

Dr. Barone: "ENOUGH!"

As everyone calms down Dr. Barone writes something on a note pad. Once that's done, she proceeds to speak to the Carbone's frankly and calmly.

Dr. Barone: "I think I have an idea what's going on. Mr. Carbone, it appears you have anger issues and your wife is so domineering as a pre-emptive measure so you don't abuse the children."

Quinn: "That's a gross over-simplification, Dr. Barone. I have to admit I do have something about a type-A personality. I get that from my mother, she was the same way. My husband, though, does have anger issues, which I blame on his father."

Dr. Barone: "Tell me about your father, Mr. Carbone."

Jim looks VERY nervous as he has a flashback to his childhood.

**Jim's flashback...**

A six-year old Jim is sitting on the porch with a badly skinned knee. He's crying, like any six-year old boy with a skinned knee would, while Tony berates him for crying.

Tony: "STOP CRYING, YOU GODDAMN LITTLE PUSSY!!!"

Jim: "B...But my knee... _sniff_...hurts!"

Tony smacks Jim upside the head.

Tony: "YOU FUCKING LITTLE WEAKLING!!! YOU WOULDN'T HAVE LASTED FIVE SECONDS IN 'NAM!!!"

**Present day...**

Jim looks extremely uncomfortable, which Dr. Barone notices.

Dr. Barone: "Maybe we'll save your childhood for a later session."

Teddy rolls his eyes.

Teddy: "Let me save you some time, Dr. Barone. Mom grew up with negligent parents and an anti-social sister, which left her with an endless need for attention and praise. Dad's abusive father made him so insecure that he hides his true feelings behind a mask of fake confidence to avoid being seen as weak and unintelligent. Tommy seeks the approval of his peers for fear of being seen as abnormal. Timmy alternates between following Tommy's lead and trying to gain attention with eccentric behavior. I'm more intelligent than most people my age, so I keep to myself in order to avoid being pulled into everyone else's drama."

Dr. Barone clearly does not know what to make of a seven year old boy being so insightful.

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Int. Shot:** Dr. Barone's office, later

Everyone is still doing the initial session.

Dr. Barone: "You know, it might help build empathy by having each of you pretend to be each other. Timmy, why don't you start. You be Tommy."

Timmy: "I'm Tommy and I'm so cool. I'm the best at sports, the best at video games and the best at making friends."

Tommy smiled.

Tommy: "It's true."

Dr. Barone: "Tommy, you be Timmy."

Tommy: "I'm Timmy. I'm a fat wimp who thinks Tommy does the most awesome things, but I'm too chicken to ever be like him."

Timmy: "I am NOT chicken!"

Teddy: "No, you're just a sycophant."

Tommy and Timmy both look questioningly at their brother.

Quinn: "Teddy, what have I told you about using words your brothers don't understand?"

Dr. Barone interrupts.

Dr. Barone: "Mrs. Carbone, why don't you try being your husband?"

Quinn: "Okay. I'm Jim. I work on cars and learn useless facts so I can show everyone how smart I am. I never tell the truth because I'm so afraid of everyone."

Jim: "OOOOO, Look at me! I'm Quinn, and everyone loves me! I can't settle for second best and always have to one up my friends."

Quinn: "I'm totally useless! Nobody likes poor old Jim! It must be my fathers fault I think I'm weak and stupid!"

Jim: "I have to be perfect and everyone around me has to be perfect! I won't tolerate imperfection from my family because the opinions of strangers matter more to me than anyone's feelings, including my own!"

Quinn winched a little as that really stung.

Quinn: "I put loyalty to blood above what's good for me and my family!"

Jim becomes angry as that one hit him where it REALLY hurts. He get's right in Quinn's face.

Jim: "Judgmental bitch!"

Quinn fires back.

Quinn: "Insecure jerk!"

Jim: "Treat's everyone else like they're inferior just so everyone can tell you how great you are! Quinn, the only reason we're even here is because what happened at that dinner party made you feel inferior to everyone else there. I felt the same way because everyone there is so damn rich and snotty. That's why I got drunk, so I could stop feeling so nervous around our betters."

Quinn: "Jim, they're not better than us, they can't be. I'm trying to make us better!"

Jim: "No, you're trying to make us into the kind of family that only exists in cheesy sitcoms! Dammit, Quinn, none of the people at that party were being themselves! They were just putting up a front!"

Quinn gasped in shock. Suddenly, her face becomes enrage.

Quinn: "HOW DARE YOU!!!!"

She punches Jim. Jim takes the hit before smirking at his wife.

Jim: "Truth hurts, doesn't it?"

Quinn angrily lunged at her husband and tackled him to the ground. She then proceeded to strangle him.

Quinn: "HOW DARE YOU CALL ME OUT LIKE THAT!"

Jim forcefully rolls Quinn over and pins her down.

Jim: "DAMMIT!!! CALM THE FUCK DOWN!!!"

Pan out to reveal Tommy and Timmy beating each other up. Teddy watches all the chaos unfold with a disdainful look in his eyes. He then looks at Dr. Barone.

Teddy: "You may have to give us a refund when the bodies stop twitching."

Dr. Barone looks at Jim and Quinn. Cut to her POV and we see Quinn trying to claw Jim's face off while Jim tries to grab her wrists and restrain her. Turn to Tommy and Timmy exchanging punches.

Timmy: "BRAT!"

Tommy: "WUSS!"

Timmy: "BULLY!"

Tommy: "FATSO!"

Cut to third person as Dr. Barone looks dismayed.

Teddy: "See what I mean?"

Dr. Barone emits a frustrated sigh.

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Ext. Shot:** A pizzaria on Manhattan's Lower East Side, day  
 **Int. Shot:** The pizzaria

Quinn and Daria are having lunch together. Quinn was relaying to her sister how horribly wrong the therapy session went.

Quinn: "...so we came out of that place even more dysfunctional than we already were."

Daria: "Quinn, I'm no expert, but you guys never struck me as dysfunctional."

Quinn: "You weren't at the Sloane's dinner party that night. Jim got drunk and all three of the boys acted up."

Daria: "Okay, it was embarrassing, but not that unusual. It doesn't mean you guys are dysfunctional."

Quinn: "Daria, the other families there all seemed so perfect. I just wish we were more like that."

Daria now has a knowing expression on her face.

Daria: "Quinn, what you saw was a bunch of people putting up a convincing front. Just because they acted perfect that one time doesn't mean they're like that all the time."

Quinn: "What about the families we spied on?"

Daria: "That was dysfunctional, but you only peeked through windows. You only got a surface look. How do you know any of them were as great as they looked?"

Quinn said nothing but suddenly looked thoughtful.

Daria: "You don't know. Quinn, for all you know every one of those seemingly perfect families might have some very disturbing secrets."

Quinn sighs.

Quinn: "Why can't we be like those families on those old TV shows?"

Daria: "Because this is real life. In real life, no family's perfect and the ones who seem perfect are just putting on a convincing act. Frankly, you guys are the most stable family I know."

Quinn sat there looking thoughtful.

Daria: "Let's get to what the real issue is. What you saw at that dinner party made you feel inferior to the Sloane's and their rich friends. It's a discomfort I know all too well. Quinn, you can't compare yourself to other people because you of all people should know that what you see isn't necessarily what you get. Tell me, do you live in fear of each other?"

Quinn: "No."

Daria: "Are you all there for each other when it actually counts?"

Quinn: "Yes."

Daria: "Do you or Jim abuse your boys?"

Quinn: "No."

Daria: "Do you and Jim abuse each other?"

Quinn: "Not usually."

Daria raised an eyebrow.

Quinn: "Yes, Jim and I fight, but the fights are verbal and we usually make up once we've calmed down. Jim would never hurt me or the boys and I'd never hurt any of them. In fact, not counting kinky sex play.."

Daria interrupts.

Daria: "TMI, Quinn."

Quinn blushes.

Quinn: "Sorry. Basically, that therapy session was the first time Jim and I were violent toward each other. Also, to be fair, I attacked Jim. He limited his response to the bare minimum necessary to defend himself. He tried to restrain me but didn't actually hit me and it was the first time I hit him."

Daria: "Quinn, your marriage is typical and your kids are typical. There's nothing wrong with any of you, beyond you thinking that there is something wrong."

Quinn: "So, we don't have to be the Cleavers?"

Daria: "Quinn, the Cleavers, in addition to being fictional characters, are an unrealistic ideal reflecting the beliefs of a bygone era. No family is like that, it's not humanly possible."

Quinn says nothing but appears to be deep in thought.

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day  
 **Int. Shot:** home office

Quinn is sitting in the home office paying some bills when the phone rings. She immediately answers.

Quinn: "Hello?"

Split screen to reveal Sandi on the other end.

Sandi: "Quinn, I owe you an apology."

Quinn: "For?"

Sandi: "For accusing your kids of being out of control brats."

Quinn: "Sandi, they were misbehaving at your dinner party."

Sandi: "So were mine. Shane admitted that he vandalized the portrait first and then pressured Tommy to do it as well. I also want to apologize for being so judgmental. I was just upset."

Quinn: "Well, my husband and kids did ruin your party."

Sandi: "Quinn, Jim got drunk and made an ass of himself, true, but I'm hardly without sin in that category. I also wanna apologize for saying I was ashamed to know you."

Quinn: "Sandi, you were upset. I understand."

Sandi: "Quinn, that doesn't make it right. You're my best friend, you were there for me all the times that everyone else wrote me off."

Quinn: "Sandi, it's okay. Nothing against your other friends, but they're snobs who've never had to struggle for anything."

Sandi: "I know. Frankly, none of them are perfect. In fact, did you know Mrs. Vandenmeade cheats on her husband with the pool boy while Mr. Vandenmeade bangs the maid on the side."

Quinn grinned as this affirmed that those rich people at the party weren't as perfect as they seemed.

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Ext. Shot:** An Italian Restaurant in Glenville, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** The restaurant

Quinn, Jim and the boys were seated at a table.

Quinn: "Guys, I wanna apologize for this past week. Being around all those snotty rich people just made me feel insecure."

Jim: "It's okay, Quinn. I'm the one who got drunk."

Quinn: "Still, I shouldn't have tried to force us to become something we're not. I've learned that no one's perfect. Yes, we get on each other's nerves sometimes, but that happens in every family. We're not the Cleavers, we're not the Sloanes, we're the Carbones and that's perfectly okay."

Teddy: "Which is what I've been saying all week."

Quinn: "Teddy, I like the way you speak your mind. Jim, you have major flaws, but I wouldn't change them because they're part of what makes you the man I love. Timmy, I love your precocious nature. Tommy, you're actually a lot like I was at your age and there's nothing wrong with that."

Tommy smiles.

Tommy: "Thanks, Mom."

Quinn: "I guess what I'm trying to say is we don't need to change, because we're just fine the way we are."

Jim and the boys nodded in agreement. At this point, a waiter brings their food. The family appear to make happy small talk as they eat.

**End Credits.**


	3. Quinns Of The Past

**Opening Montage**  
 **Music:** "I May Hate You Sometimes" by The Posies

At first we see a still of Daria at her high school graduation. This is immediately followed by a still of Quinn at her graduation. From there we cut to a shot of Quinn in a college dorm with Nicole. This is followed by Daria and Jane in their apartment in Boston. Cut to a still of Quinn and Jim's first meeting on a train. This is followed by a shot of Nicole and Jamie kissing on the beach. From there we cut to a shot of Daria and Jane staring at an eviction notice. Cut to a shot of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. This is followed by a shot of Daria taking a job in New York and moving into her own place. Next, a shot of Sandi and Tom's wedding. This is followed by a shot of Quinn at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see a For Sale sign going up in front of Quinn and Jim's house in Lawndale. This is followed by a shot of them moving into a new house in New York. Next, a shot of Trent sleeping on the job while his bartender, Smitty, rolls his eyes. Then, a shot of Tommy and Timmy playing with Shane and Lexi Sloane while Alyssa Lane shreds on a guitar in the background with Teddy and Rachel White (Jamie and Nicole's daughter) watching with obvious disdain. The adults all enter the picture as it morphs into a group shot of the main cast gathered in the Carbone's front yard and we hear the chorus "I may hate you sometimes, but I'll always love you." A caption forms in front of them. It reads...

**"Life Goes On"**   
**Ep. 2**   
**"Quinns Of The Past"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**  
 **Scene 1**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** Home office

Quinn was on her computer. She has a very annoyed expression on her face when Jim comes in.

Jim: "Hey, Quinn. What's up?"

Quinn immediately cheers up as she speaks to her husband.

Quinn: "I was just doing some research for tomorrow's meeting with Marina Collins."

Jim: "The Shop 'n' Save lady?"

Quinn nodded.

Quinn: "Turns out she's very into philantropy. She runs a charity for troubled teens called Harriet's House. She also teaches karate free of charge in her spare time."

At this point Teddy, having overheard the conversation, enters the room.

Teddy (with Daria-like snark): "Since when does teaching kids how to break every bone in someone else's body count as philantropy?"

Quinn: "Teddy, martial arts is not just about fighting. It's about protecting yourself from stronger people who might wish you harm."

Teddy: "Isn't that what we have police departments for?"

Jim: "Yes, but turning to the authorities isn't always an option. If someone tries to jump you in a dark alley martial arts allow you to defend yourself until you can get to the cops."

Teddy: "Or you could just avoid dark alleys. Or, is there some reason guys don't have that option?"

Jim's expression darkens. This is followed by a Jake like rant.

Jim: "Oh, do I remember those lessions! Be a man, Jim! It's week to turn to others, Jim! SHOW NO MERCY, YOU FUCKING WOMAN!!! DAMMIT, DAD, WHY..."

Quinn immediately defuses her husband and scolds their son.

Quinn: "JIM, THAT'S ENOUGH! Teddy, how many times have I told you not to trigger your father!?"

Teddy walks away with a half-smile errily similar to the one his aunt has when she gets one over on people.

Jim: "Sorry about that. Anyway, I asked what you were up to because you looked ready to kill someone when I came in."

Quinn proceeds to explain why she'd looked upset when Jim came in.

Quinn: "After the research I logged onto YouTube to see how the latest S'mores 'n' Pores video is doing. It's got the usual number of likes."

Jim appears apprehensive.

Jim: "I sense a 'but' coming."

Quinn: "Someone trashed me in the comments. Said I was a vile slut and a murderor."

Jim shrugs this off.

Jim: "Probably just some troll with way too much free time. I wouldn't worry about it."

Quinn: "It still hurts when people say that."

Jim: "I know, but not everyone's gonna like what you post. Even the biggest YouTubers have to deal with haters. I just ignore the comments and focus on the ratio of likes to dislikes. It's when you get more dislikes than likes that you need to start worrying."

Something occurs to Jim.

Jim: "I wonder if this is the same asshole who got our channels taken down during the holidays."

Quinn: "Possible, but I don't think so. The person giving me shit before that seems to have disappeared since then."

Jim says nothing but looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Ext. Shot:** An office building in Manhattan  
 **Int. Shot:** The entrance to one of the executive suites  
 **Music:** "Popular" by Nada Surf

_I'm the quarterback_   
_I'm popular_   
_I'm the head of the class_   
_I'm popular_

Quinn entered the reception area. The lone person in there was a man in his thirties with East Asian features, short, close-cropped hair and a perpetually stern expression. He immediately looks at Quinn.

Receptionist: "May I help you?"

Quinn smiles politely.

Quinn: "Yes, Mister..."

She looks at his name tag.

Quinn: "...Kusakabe? Did I say that right?"

Kusakabe maintianed his stern expression.

Kusakabe: "Yes."

Quinn: "I'm Quinn Carbone, I have an appointment with Mrs. Collins."

Kusakabe: "It's Miss Collins. I'll inform her of your arrival, Miss Carbone."

Quinn: "Mrs., but feel free to call me Quinn..."

She looks at his name tag again.

Quinn: "...Brent."

Brent said nothing but had a disdainful look on his face as he entered Ms. Collins' office. A second later, he reemerged.

Brent: "Miss Collins will see you now...Quinn."

Quinn attributed the icy tone with which he'd said her name to Japanese formality as she entered the office. Cut to inside and we see that the office is furnished with martial arts memorabillia, including several karate trophies with the name Monica Collins engraved on them. Cut to Quinn's POV and we see a plaque on the wall with the following quote...

_When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. -Maya Angelou._

Cut back to third person and we see Marina Collins seated behind her desk. She's a beautiful woman with raven hair and looks a full decade younger than her 42 years. She speaks with a posh London accent as she motions toward the seat in front of her desk.

Marina: "Please, have a seat, Mrs. Carbone."

Quinn sits down.

Quinn: "Thanks, Miss Collins, and please, call me Quinn."

Marina: "As you wish, Quinn."

Quinn: "And let me say that I'm a regular customer at Shop 'n' Save."

Marina (bitter tone): "Don't you consider discount stores beneath you?"

Quinn's confused by the confrontational tone in Marina's voice.

Quinn: "Did I do something wrong?"

Marina regains her composure.

Marina: "No." (thought VO) _But you did in high school._

Quinn: "Anyway, I'm looking forward to taking you on as a sponsor. An endorsement from S'mores 'n' Pores will do wonders for your bottom line. Also, since Shop 'n' Save has an automotive section I'm sure my husband would be happy to endorse you on Jim The Car Guy."

Marina unexpectidely changes the subject.

Marina: "Tell me, Quinn, what do you think of Brent? And be honest."

Quinn: "Well, he seems a little unfriendly, but I just figured he's rigidly formal."

Marina: "Actually, he's more than just my assistant. We have...well, lets just say we're very close away from the office as well."

Quinn becomes uncomfortable as she does not wish to hear the details of Marina's sex life, so she immediately changes the subject. Meanwhile, Marina seems pleased with Quinn's apparent discomfort, implying that she'd mentioned her off-hours relationship with Brent for the sole purpose of making Quinn squirm a little.

Quinn: "That's a lovely accent you have, Marina. English, right?"

Marina nods.

Marina: "London. We came to this country when I was fifteen." (Her voice takes on an accusing tone.) "So, you don't think I talk weird?"

Quinn's unsure what to make of the sudden change in demeanor.

Quinn: "No! Of course not."

Marina decides to move in for the kill.

Marina: "Tell me, Quinn, do you know why my charity's called Harriet's House?"

Quinn shook her head.

Quinn: "No, but it's a lovely name."

Marina: "Harriet was my sister, and I'm glad you think so....now. People called her hairy-ass in high school and made fun of the way we talk."

Quinn immediately froze as long forgotten memories of her Fashion Club days surfaced. Marina smirked maliciously.

Marina: "It should sound familiar. See, in the 90's we lived in Lawndale, MD. Your hometown, I believe. Harriet wasn't an attractive girl, at least not in the conventional sense. She was mocked endlessly for the way she looked, the way she talked and even her name. One group at Lawndale High was particularly nasty to her, The Fashion Club."

Quinn gasps as she realizes Marina is Hairy-ass Collins' older sister.

Marina: "It seems I hit a nerve, Mrs. Carbone, nee Quinn Morgendorffer."

Quinn: "I...I'm sorry. Look, we were young and stupid. The rest of us just blindly followed Sandi's lead most of the time."

Marina: "And it enrages me to no end to see that twat married to Thomas Sloane."

Quinn: "Look, I was a kid and I've grown up since then. I...I've actually tried to find Harriet and apologize."

Marina (bitter): "Good luck. She hung herself sophmore year because she couldn't take your cruel taunts anymore. I came back from university on Spring Break and found her body. March 25, 1999 is a day I'll never forget. I'd wager you don't even remember who's backseat you were rolling around in sans clothes that evening."

Quinn was horrified that Harriet died and therefore did not think to inform Marina that she actually didn't lose her virginity until college. Instead, she instantly becomes apologetic for what happened to Harriet.

Quinn: "I...I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Marina: "No one did. You may not have hung her, but you and your shallow friends killed my sister just the same. I have no intention of sponsoring you, you vile little bitch. I merely called this meeting so I could finally confront you and call you out on your shallow hypocrisy. Leopards don't change their spots. You didn't even remember my sister until I told you about her just now."

Quinn: "I'm sorry."

Marina: "You're lying, you little harlot."

Quinn: "Look, I understand if you don't wanna sponsor my channel, but what about my husband? He did nothing wrong."

Marina: "I have nothing against Jim Carbone, beyond the poor judgment he has displayed in his choice of a wife, but helping him would in effect be helping you."

As if on cue, Brent appears behind Quinn.

Brent: "Shall I take out the trash, Marina?"

Marina: "Only if she's so foolish as to not leave of her own accord. Quinn, you should know that Brent and I are both third degree black belts, so I advise you not to press your luck."

Quinn sprang from her chair and left in an uncomfortable hurry. Both Marina and Brent smirked.

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Sloane mansion in Glenville, day  
 **Int. Shot:** One of the sitting rooms

Quinn and Sandi are chatting over tea. Quinn has just told Sandi about what happened.

Sandi: "Hairy-ass hung herself!?!"

Quinn: "Sandi, I really don't think you should call her that!"

Sandi: "Sorry, habit. Truth is, this is the first time I've even thought of her since high school."

Quinn: "Well, she's dead. She's dead and it's our fault!"

Sandi: "No, it isn't. We didn't put the noose around her neck. Hairy-a...Harriet did that to herself."

Quinn: "Because we drove her to it. We were so mean to her back then."

Sandi: "We were mean to anyone who wasn't attractive and popular enough. They didn't all kill themselves."

Quinn: "No, but Harriet did."

Sandi: "Which we didn't know about until today...22 years later."

Quinn is shocked by how non-chalant Sandi's being about this.

Quinn: "And that makes it okay!?! What if we did know right after it happened?"

Sandi suddenly looks very uncomfortable as Quinn proceeds to play devil's advocate.

Quinn: "You would've made a cold, insensitive remark about it and thne moved on to something else. The rest of us would've gone along just to keep in your good graces."

Sandi: "Possibly, but we'll never know."

Quinn: "How can you be so calm about this!?"

Sandi: "Because I don't feel responsible for other people's bad decisions."

Quinn: "Even if they made those decisions because of us!?"

Sandi: "Kuh-winn, we aren't the same people we were back then. Think about it. One of the guys we were especially hostile to is now Stacy's husband."

Quinn: "There's a big difference between how we treated Harriet and how we treated Chuck."

Sandi: "Not really. We were the ones who started calling him Upchuck and made it stick."

Quinn: "We called him Upchuck because that's what everyone called him. Even my sister called him Upchuck."

Sandi: "My point, Kuh-winn, is that he's now married to Stacy. You used to deny that Daria's your sister, now you're so protective of her that you seem like her mother sometimes. I was hostile toward anyone I even suspected of being LGBTQ back then, now I'm out and proud of my bisexuality. And what about Nicole?"

Quinn: "What about her?"

Sandi: "Our best friend is a former cheerleader who turned anime and art geek after losing all of her status. Would we be friends with someone like that if we were the same people now that we were back in high school?"

Quinn says nothing but looks thoughtful.

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** The kitchen

Quinn, Jim and the triplets are seated at the table having dinner. Quinn looks miserable.

Jim: "Quinn, you okay?"

Quinn: "Jim, someone died because of me. How could I possibly be okay?"

Jim: "Quinn, you had no way of knowing that girl would hang herself."

Quinn: "Harriet. Her name was Harriet, and I killed her."

Teddy looks impassive while Tommy and Timmy look curious.

Timmy: "You killed someone!?"

Tommy: "Cool!"

Quinn (scolding tone): "No, not cool!"

Jim: "And your mother didn't kill her, she killed herself."

Quinn: "Because of how mean I was to her."

Teddy: "Not like you gave her the rope."

Jim: "Teddy's right. Quinn, I get why you feel guilty, but it's not like you intentionally did anything."

Quinn: "Except cause someone to kill herself."

Jim: "Quinn, you didn't know. Frankly, I'd be more upset over losing a sponsorship over this."

Quinn becomes very angry. She stands up and gets right in her husband's face.

Quinn: "Dammit, Jim! Is that all you care about!?!"

Jim: "Quinn, no! Look, I'm sorry this person died, but I have no reason beyond wanting extra revenue to be emotionally invested in this."

Quinn: "God, you can be soooo like your father sometimes!"

Jim gets defensive.

Jim: "Whoa! That's totally uncalled for! It's not like I brag about how many commies I killed in 'Nam! I'm just being practical, that's all!"

Quinn: "UGH!!!"

She immediately storms out of the kitchen in a huff.

Teddy: "Looks like you're sleeping on the couch tonight, Dad."

Jim visibly finds no humor in that remark.

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Int. Shot:** Home office, a short time later

Quinn is seated at her desk logging on to her YouTube account. Suddenly, her eyes go wide.

Quinn: "What the hell!?!"

Cut to her POV and we see screen that is blank save for the following message...

ACCOUNT SUSPENDED  
This channel has been deleted due to multiple complaints by users.

Cut back to Quinn sitting there in wide-eyed, open-mouthed shock.

 **Ext. Shot:** An office building in Manhattan, that very moment  
 **Int. Shot:** The waiting area of Marina's office suite

Brent is at his desk working after hours. He has a malicious grin on his face.

Brent: (thought VO) _Granted, that bitch will probably have her channel restored, just like when I did this in December, but if I keep changing accounts then I can continue to take down her channel indefinitely. Now, to add to the suffering by hacking into the computer system at their bank and freezing their accounts again._

Brent has an evil smile as he proceeds to do just that.

* * *

 **Act II**  
 **Scene 1**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** Home office

Jim was logging onto his YouTube channel while Quinn fumed over hers being taken down.

Quinn: "I don't freaking believe this! Some troll got my channel taken down...AGAIN!"

Cut to Jim as he breathes a sigh of relief.

Jim: "At least this time they had the decency to leave Jim The Car Guy alone."

Suddenly, the phone rings. Quinn answers.

Quinn: "Hello?" (pause) "Yes, he's here." (pause as she puts her hand on the reciever) "Jim, it's for you. It's Tom."

Quinn hands the phone to Jim.

Jim: "Hey, Tom."

Split screen to reveal Tom Sloane on the other end of the line.

Tom: "Jim, you sitting down?"

Jim looks worried.

Jim: "What's going on, Tom?"

Tom: "Your bank account was frozen again."

Jim gasped in horror as Tom proceeded to explain.

Tom: "I was checking the system at GSP Bank and Trust and I saw your account instantly go from active to inactive. Did you cancel the account?"

Jim: "No." (pause as he tries not to explode) "Um, Tom..."

Tom: "Relax, I'll have IT work on it first thing tomorrow. I just wanted to make sure you didn't suddenly close out your bank account, and also give you a heads up since it may be a day or two before you can access your money again."

Jim is visibly relieved.

Jim: "Thanks, Tom."

Tom: "Later."

End split screen as they both hang up. Jim turns to Quinn.

Jim: "Quinn, for the next day or two only use cash or the credit card. Some hacker froze our bank accounts again. Tom's gonna have it fixed, but it may take a day or so."

Quinn is visibly stunned.

Quinn: "Again!? This happend in December and almost ruined Christmas."

Jim blushes with embarrassment.

Jim: "Don't remind me."

Quinn: "How could the same thing happen to the same people in as many months?"

Jim suddenly gets an idea.

Jim: "Quinn, you said Marina only wanted to meet with you in order to guilt trip you about her sister comitting suicide back in high school."

Quinn nodded.

Quinn: "She blames me because it was mine and Sandi's bullying that drove her to it."

Jim: "Interesting how this happens right after that meeting, isn't it?"

Quinn gasped.

Quinn: "You think she'd be that petty!?"

Jim: "I know it sounds out there, but look at the facts. You need high dollar tech to hack a banking system, and if I wanted revenge on a YouTuber getting their channel taken down and cutting them off from their money would definitely be on the table if I had the means. As a corporate CEO, Marina Collins has access to the kind of tech that could bypass a banking system's security. Basically, she has means, motive and opportunity and too many things line up for this all to just be a coincidence."

Quinn's eyes narrow. Any guilt she felt for Harriet was immediately replaced by anger at Marina.

Quinn: "That...BITCH!"

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Ext. Shot:** A street level storefront in Lower Manhattan, the sign reads "Harriet House Self-Defense Class", day  
 **Int. Shot:** The dojo  
 **Music:** Rocky Theme

Marina is teaching a class. The students are working on their striking techniques. Cut to her POV and we see Quinn enter the dojo looking pissed. Cut to Marina rolling her eyes.

Marina: "MATTE!"

The class immediately stop practicing.

Marina: "Class, we have a visitor! SEIZA!"

The students immediately assume a Japanese sitting position on the mat as Marina walks over to give Quinn a piece of her mind.

Marina: "What are you doing here? And be quick about it!"

Quinn: "I went to your office and Brent told me you were here. I got the distinct impression he did it hoping you'd kick my ass."

Marina folds her arms and stares Quinn down. She speaks in a coldly domineering tone.

Marina: "That answers the next question I was to ask, but not the one tha I did, you contemptible wench."

Quinn: "I'm here to tell you to cut the crap!"

Marina: "You'd best explain yourself if you wish to leave this dojo in one piece."

Quinn gets right in Marina's face, but Marina is totally unfazed by this.

Quinn: "Don't play dumb with me, you spiteful bitch. You took down my YouTube channel and froze my family's bank accounts."

Marina: "I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about, and you'd best step back before I decide to let my fists do the talking."

Knowing that Marina's a karate master while her own martial arts knowledge is limited to what she remembers from her brief time learning taijutsu from Ms. Barch fourteen years earlier, Quinn does as she's told.

Quinn: "Look, I get that you blame me for Harriet's death and all and I'm truly sorry for that.."

Marina: "I don't believe you."

Quinn refuses to let the interruption derail her.

Quinn: "...but I honestly didn't know how it affected her."

Marina (accusing tone): "Would you and your vapid friends have acted any differently if you did?"

Quinn: "Look, my point is that by attacking my livelihood you aren't just hurting me, you're hurting my husband and kids as well. If you were just hurting me I'd have no problem because, frankly, I deserve it for what I did to your sister, but my husband and kids are innocent in all of this."

Marina is visibly beginning to lose her patience.

Marina: "Once again, I've no idea what you're talking about."

Quinn's anger rises again.

Quinn: "BULLSHIT! My YouTube channel was taken down and our bank accounts frozen, and the same thing happened to us in December. Given how resentful you are toward me and the fact that this happened after our little meeting it had to be you!"

Marina's now visibly fighting the urge to attack Quinn.

Marina: "How dare you! HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A PETTY INTERNET TROLL IN FRONT OF MY STUDENTS!"

Quinn's anger gets the better of her.

Quinn: "And how dare you deny something you obviously did...YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!"

Quinn throws a punch. Marina blocks it with her left hand while simultaneously grabbing Quinn's shoulder with her right. In one fluid motion Marina turns into Quinn, throwing her down on the floor in the process. Before Quinn has time to react Marina gets on top of her and prepares to deliver a damaging strike to Quinn's face. She stops short of connecting and pulls back at the last minute, however.

Marina: "Consider this your final warning! Leave, NOW...Or you WILL be hurt!"

With that, Marina gets off of a visibly frightened Quinn, who then staggers back up on her feet. She looks at Marina, who points toward the door.

Marina: "Leave now! And don't you dare ever come back!"

Quinn looks like she wants to tell Marina off, but immediately thinks better of it. She immediately walks out the door.

Cut to Marina as her angry scowl quickly morphs into an expression of doubt.

Marina (thought VO): _Our IT systems are advanced enough to bypass bank security. What if there is some truth in what she's saying?_

Marina immediately shook her head.

Marina (thought VO): _No, only Brent knows the depth of my hatred towards Quinn and he's above such pettiness. That's why I love him. Quinn's just the spoiled little bully I always knew her to be._

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Ext. Shot:** An apartment building in Hells Kitchen, later that day  
 **Music:** "You're Standing On My Neck" by Splendora  
 **Int. Shot:** Daria's apartment

Quinn and Daria are seated on the couch talking. Quinn has just explained the situation to her sister.

Quinn: "...so now she's determined to wreck my life because she blames me for her sister's death."

Daria: "That's surprisingly childish of her."

Quinn shakes her head.

Quinn: "Daria, what would you do if I killed myself after being constantly bullied?"

Daria (deadpan): "Throw a huge party to celebrate my liberation from your tyranny."

Quinn is visibly hurt by this.

Quinn: "Daria!"

Daria: "Sorry, bad joke."

After a brief pause Daria moves the conversation back on topic.

Daria: "Quinn, I don't think Marina's behind your channel being taken down. I doubt a forty-something businesswoman would stoop to something that childish."

Quinn: "I didn't until Jim ran all the facts by me. There are just too many coincidences."

Daria: "Okay. For the sake of argument let's assume that Marina is behind both the most recent incident as well as what happened in December. Clearly, she blames you for her sister's death and wants to punish you. She most likely feels that your success is undeserved and wants to take it away, though only a sociopath would take it this far."

Quinn: "Daria, Harriet's dead because we made fun of her in the Fashion Club. We killed her."

Daria: "Quinn, we had a similar conversation ten years ago. Remember what I said about not falling on your own sword just because you feel bad about the things you did when you were young and stupid?"

Quinn nodded.

Quinn: "Still, none of the other stuff involved someone dying."

Daria: "Jeffy killed himself after going insane."

Quinn: "I didn't know leading him on all through high school would make him so obsessed that he'd go Fatal Attraction on me."

Daria: "Just like you didn't know your bullying would drive this Harriet girl to suicide and just like Jane didn't know Tommy Sherman's death was imminent when she made a crack about him not living very long. Quinn, you're not all knowing."

Quinn sighed.

Quinn: "I just wish Marina saw it that way. This would be easier to get over if she'd accept that I'm not the same person at 37 that I was at 16."

Daria: "Have you told her this?"

Quinn: "I've tried, but she refuses to listen."

Daria looks thoughtful for a second, then gets an idea.

Daria: "Maybe if she heard it not from you, but from someone who once had every reason to hate you yet now considers you both a sister and a best friend."

Quinn: "Who?"

Daria: "Me. You publicly shunned me for the longest time, but look how far we've come along since then. I'll talk to Marina. Even if she isn't receptive telling her about the whole 'cousin' thing would at least give her something to think about."

Quinn smiles as she thinks this is a good idea.

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day  
 **Int. Shot:** Teddy's room

Seven year old Teddy Carbone was sitting on his bead reading "The Art Of War" by Sun Tzu when there's a knock on the door. Teddy looks up from his book.

Teddy: "Come in."

Jim enters.

Jim: "Teddy, how good are you with computers?"

Teddy: "Good enough to hack the Pentagon, though I've yet to put that statement to the test."

Jim sits down next to his son.

Jim: "Are you good enough to hack a secure day timer at a corporate office?"

Teddy: "Yes. Why?"

Jim: "Because I've figured out who's been messing with your mother's YouTube channel and our bank account. I wanna even the score."

Teddy: "What's in it for me?"

Jim: "Fifty!"

Teddy: "Two-hundred!"

Jim: "Seventy-five!"

Teddy: "One-fifty!"

Jim: "One-twenty-five!"

Teddy: "Done! Who am I hacking?"

Jim smirks.

Jim: "Shop 'n' Save."

Teddy flashes that Daria-like half-smile.

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Shop 'n' Save Corporate Office, day  
 **Int. Shot:** A hallway

Jim was walking towards Marina's office suite with Tommy, Timmy and Teddy in tow.

Jim: "Remember, our last name is Marshal, not Carbone."

The triplets all nod in agreement as Jim leads them into the waiting area at Marina's office suite. Once inside Jim walks up to Brent. Brent looks up.

Brent: "May I help you?"

Jim: "Yes. I'm John Marshal, head of Marshal clothing. I have an appointment with Ms. Collins."

Brent: "You're early. Marina's not back from teaching karate yet."

Jim: "True, but we can wait. I hope you didn't mind, but I brought my kids."

Jim sees the apprehensive look on Brent's face.

Jim: "Don't worry, they're well behaved."

Brent is visibly relieved to hear this. He motions towards the couch.

Brent: "In that case, have a seat."

Jim and the boys have a seat.

 **Int. Shot:** Waiting room, twenty-minutes later.

As Brent works on his computer Jim nods in Teddy's direction. Teddy nods back in acknowledgment.

Teddy (whiny voice): "Dad, I have to tinkle!"

Jim pretends to be annoyed as he walks over to Brent.

Jim: "I need to take this one to the bathroom."

Brent: "Third door on the left."

Jim: "Thanks."

He and Teddy leave. Cut to a minute later as Brent's cell phone buzzes. He immediately picks it up. Cut to Brent's POV and we see the following text message...

_MCollins: Brent, had to take a student to hospital after he injured himself. Can you pick me up so I can make the meeting with Mr. Marshal?_

Cut to third person as Jim and Teddy return. Close up of Teddy hiding his iPhone with a subtle smirk on his face. Cut to Brent.

Brent: "Mr. Marshal, I have to leave. Ms. Collins had an emergency."

Jim feigns disappointment. Believing the act, Brent reassures him.

Brent: "She needs me to pick her up so she can keep the appointment. Would you mind waiting?"

Jim: "Not at all."

Brent leaves, suspecting nothing. Once he's gone, Jim smirks.

Jim: "Okay, boys, I'll be back in an hour. You know what to do."

Cut to all three boys smirking as Jim leaves.

 **Int. Shot:** The hallway, a half hour later

A visibly annoyed Brent was making his way back to the office.

Brent (thought VO): _I can't belive I fell for some hackers prank text!_

He enters the office and gasps in shock. Cut to his POV and we see the three T's messing with his computer. Cut back to third person.

Brent (angry): "What the hell are you boys doing!? And where's your father!?"

As Tommy and Timmy continue to button smash Teddy looks at Brent.

Teddy: "How do you get video games on this thing?"

We now see that Tommy and Timmy's button smashing has moved the computer precariously close to the edge of the desk. Seeing this, Brent starts to panic.

Brent: "CAREFUL! That's..."

The computer falls and smashes on the floor.

Tommy: "OOPS!"

Cut to Brent letting out a frustrated sigh.

Brent: "...broken."

Timmy: "Um....sorry."

Brent looks like he wants to murder someone.

**Author's note:** That last moment was Lady Evil's idea, as was the dojo encounter.

* * *

 **Act III**  
 **Scene 1**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Shop 'n' Save Corporate HQ, day  
 **Int. Shot:** The hallway just outside of Marina's office sweet  
 **Music:** "Symphony Of Destruction" by Megadeath

Marina is returning to work after the days karate class. She enters the office sweet and immediately gasps. Cut to her POV and we see the reception area is trashed as Brent tries in vain to wrangle very unruly triplets. Tommy grabs one of Marina's karate trophies.

Brent: "PUT THAT BACK, YOU LITTLE HELLION!"

Tommy raises the trophy.

Tommy: "TIMMY, KEEP AWAY!"

Tommy tosses the trophy over Brent's head. Timmy fails to catch it and the trophy breaks on the floor. Cut to Teddy drawing on the walls with permanent marker.

Teddy: "Another one bites the dust."

Cut to Brent visibly fighting the urge to strangle the three little hellraisers.

Brent: "YOU UNRULY BASTARDS!"

Cut to Marina as she recovers from the initial shock and immediately seizes control of the situation.

Marina: "WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?!"

This puts an immediate stop to both Brent's tirade and the triplets rampage. Calming down, Brent explains the situation to Marina.

Brent: "Mr. Marshal brought his kids with him and left. I've been struggling to get these brats under control since then."

Timmy forgets to maintain his cover story.

Timmy: "Who's Mr. Marshal? Our Dad's Mr. Carbone."

Both Tommy and Teddy smack Timmy upside the head as he's just blown their cover.

Teddy: "Moron!"

Tommy: "You just freaking blew our cover!"

Timmy's face turns pale as he realizes that he just royally screwed up.

Timmy: "EEP!"

Cut to Marina as her eyes narrow.

Marina: "Where is your father?"

All three of the boys tremble.

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, Long Island, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** Home office

Jim is visibly beaten up from the ass kicking he received from Brent and Marina at the office earlier. That's nothing compared to the ass chewing he's getting from Quinn right now.

Quinn: "YOU AND THE BOYS TRASHED MARINA'S OFFICE!!!! JIM, WHAT THE HELL!?!"

Jim: "Quinn, they attacked our livelihood! What was I supposed to do!?!"

Quinn: "Not act like a teenage hooligan and drag our kids into it."

Jim: "Quinn, they took down your YouTube channel AND froze our bank account! I WAS SUPPOSED TO LET THAT GO UNANSWERED!?!"

Quinn: "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A MATURE ADULT ABOUT IT!"

Jim: "Quinn, what they did was an affront to your honor, which is an affront to MY honor, the boys honor and the honor of ALL who bear the last name Carbone!"

Quinn: "Jim, this is twenty-first century New York, not a Southern Italian village in medieval times! BLOOD FEUDS HAVE NO PLACE IN CIVIL SOCIETY!!!"

Jim: "So we just let people fuck with us to their hearts content!?!"

Quinn gets right in his face.

Quinn: "Jim, Daria and I had come up with a plan to possibly make peace...AND YOU JUST RUINED IT WITH THIS LITTLE STUNT OF YOURS!!!!"

Jim: "Try to see it from my perspective! I did this because inaction would've been shameful!"

Quinn (through gritted teeth): "Again, this is not the old country in medieval times!"

Jim: " _SIGH_...Fine! I'll be a mezzofinooch* from now on!"

*mezzofinooch is Italian for half a fag.

He angrily storms out of the room.

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Harriet House Dojo, day  
 **Int. Shot:** the dojo

Marina is instructing her class. Cut to her POV and we see Daria and Quinn enter. Cut back to third person as Marina halts class.

Marina: "MATTE! SEIZA!"

The students all assume the seiza position as Marina angrily walks over to Quinn and Daria. Without even acknowledging Daria, she gets right in Quinn's face.

Marina: "You'd best turn around and walk out that door this instant or I WILL call the whole class to me and YOU will get your ass kicked by all of us!"

Daria: "Nice way to greet people."

Marina turns her attention to Daria.

Marina: "And just who the bloody hell are you!?"

Daria: "Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn's sister!"

Marina turns toward Quinn.

Marina: "What is the meaning of this!?"

Quinn: "Marina, I'm not here for a fight. I'm here to apologize for what my husband and sons did the other day."

Marina: "That hardly makes up for what happened, or what you've done to my sister. I'll not accept your apology, you vile little c#$&!"

Daria: "Excuse me! Way to set an example for your class!"

Marina turns her ire on Daria.

Marina: "I meant every word. I've no beef with you as it's clear you're unaware of what your sister did."

Daria: "You mean bullying your sister to the point where she comitted suicide? I'm fully aware of that. I'm also fully aware of just what a shallow bitch she was as a teenager as I took the brunt of her abuse growing up. It hardly justifies your hypocrisy....or the stunning lack of maturity you've been displaying of late."

Marina: "You want to talk about immature? Your sister barged in here and accused me of attacking her families livelihood just to humiliate me because I called her out on what she did."

Daria: "First off, someone did take down her channel and freeze her family's bank account. We assumed it was you because of the timing as well as the fact that you possess both means and motive."

Marina: "If it happened I had nothing to do with it."

Pause as Daria takes a few seconds to scrutinize Marina's body language. Finally...

Daria: "I believe you. That resolves the first issue. That still leaves the issue of your unwillingness to forgive my sister as well as what my brother in law and nephews did to your office. Fortunately, we've already agreed on how to resolve the latter."

Quinn: "I'll pay for everything."

Marina defiantly folds her arms.

Marina: "I don't want a cent of your money, you evil slut!"

Quinn sighed.

Quinn: "I understand."

Daria: "I don't. Marina, I get why you despise Quinn but I don't get why you waste time and energy over something that happened over twenty years ago."

Marina: "My sister killed herself because she couldn't stand the bullying she received from your sister and her bitchy friends. I can't let that go."

Daria: "I have my own greivences with Quinn, or at least I used to. Did you know that she used to publicly shun me for the same reasons that she bullied your sister?"

Marina was immediately stunned speechless.

Daria: "I'll take that as a no. Quinn wanted to be liked by everyone, so she always did what she thought they wanted her to do and feared their judgment. I, on the other hand, was very anti-social and intellectually advanced for my age."

Marina: "I...H...Harriet was the same way."

Daria: "I know exactly how Harriet felt. I was similarly made to suffer for being different, and the worst of the bullying came from my own sister. Obviously, I didn't kill myself over the issue."

Marina clearly doesn't want to admit that Daria is clearly a stronger person than Harriet was.

Daria: "Quinn and I are very close now. The reason for this is that she did change, for the better."

Marina shakes as this was never something that she'd considered.

Marina: "H...How? When?"

Daria: "It started at the end of Quinn's sophomore year when..."

Marina: "T...That's the same time Harriet died!"

Quinn immediately interrupted.

Quinn: "I have a confession to make. I did know what happened. I heard the rumor that she killed herself, but I dismissed it as just a rumor at the time."

Both Daria and Marina gasp in shock.

Quinn: "I thought it was bullshit, but then I began to wonder if it was true. Then came the PSAT's."

Daria picks up the story.

Daria: "She was rattled by her appallingly low score, so she started to take academics more seriously. She even went so far as to have our Mom hire a tutor for her over the summer. The real kicker was when she unexpectedly devloped a crush on him. Granted, he wasn't ugly, but his looks were nothing to admire either. I mention this because that caused Quinn to finally realize that a good head and a good heart are just as attractive as movie star looks. Quinn stopped dumbing herself down, stopped shunning people who weren't super popular and even began to proudly and publicly acknowledge me as her sister. We quickly put our old animosity behind us after that."

Marina: "B...But she acts like a shallow ditz in her videos!?"

Quinn: "It's called acting. I'm not like that in real life. Look, I'm sorry your sister died. If I could go back and do it all over again I would've treated her differently. I would've tried to help her make friends. I would've accepted her as she was. I know it's too late, but if I could go back and do things differently I would."

Marina sank her shoulders and sighed.

Marina: "I...I've hated you for so long. I...I don't think I can let it go."

Daria immediately played her trump card.

Daria: "As a student of eastern philosophy I assume you're familiar with what Confucius said about revenge."

Marina: "One must first dig two graves."

Quinn: "Look, Marina, nothing I do will ever bring Harriet back, but maybe I can at least honor her memory."

Quinn reached into her purse and pulled out two checks.

Quinn: "The first check is for the damage my husband and kids did to your office the other day. The second is the first of many donations I'll be making to Harriet's House from now on. I also want to help the charity in any other way I can."

Marina hesitated for a moment before taking the checks. She gasps when she sees the amount on the Harriet House check.

Marina: "Quinn, this is..."

Quinn: "Long overdue."

Marina tries to hand the checks back.

Marina: "I...I can't. You'll want me to sponsor you after this."

Quinn: "Yes, but I don't insist. You only sponsor me if you want to. I insist you keep the money, though. I'm not trying to get your sponsorship dollars. I'm doing this because it's the right thing to do."

A stray tear rolls down Marina's cheek.

Marina (thought VO): _Harriet was a forgiving person. She...She'd want me to take the money._ (out loud) "Quinn....thank you!"

Quinn smiled.

 **Ext. Shot:** the dojo, a few minutes later

Daria and Quinn were making their way to the subway station.

Daria: "I didn't know you knew about the suicide back then."

Quinn: "I didn't. I just said that to make the rest of the otherwise true story more believeable."

Both women smirked.

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Shop 'n' Save offices, later that day  
 **Int. Shot:** Marina's office suite

Marina enters. Her expression and posture give the clear impression that she feels a huge weight has actually been taken off her shoulders.

Marina (thought VO): _I was wrong about her! The Quinn who bullied my sister is not the same Quinn who just made a generous donation with no strings attached solely to honor Harriet's memory._

Cut to Brent working on his computer. Cut back to Marina.

Marina: "Holding down the fort in my absence, luv?"

Brent: "Of course, Marina."

Marina: "What are you doing?"

Brent: "Making that red-haired little bitch pay. I just hacked into her bank and froze the account again."

Marina gasped in shock. Brent mistakes her reaction for pleasant surprise.

Brent: "I did this in December as well. I've also been taking down her YouTube channel."

Marina instantly puts all the pieces together.

Marina: "You attacked their livelihood!!"

Brent still doesn't get that she'd displeased.

Brent: "For you, my love. For you."

Marina speaks in a stern tone.

Marina: "Even though I never asked you to do such a thing."

Brent still doesn't get it.

Brent: "That's how much I love you."

Marina instantly makes her decision.

Marina: "Brent, you are to unfreeze the account and withdraw the complaints that got her channel taken down."

Brent gasps in shock.

Brent: "But, my love..."

Marina cuts him off.

Marina: "Once that is done you are to gather all of your personal belongings and vacate this office immediately."

Brent's mouth hung open.

Marina: "Brent, Quinn and I have made peace. She just made a VERY generous donation to Harriet House with no strings attached. We talked it out and she is genuinely remorseful for what she's done. That is why once her YouTube channel is restored I am going to sponsor her after all, even though she didn't ask me to. Also, you're fired."

Brent said nothing, just stared in shock.

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** Home office

Quinn and Jim are having a conversation.

Quinn: "...so it all worked out in the end."

Jim visibly feels like an idiot.

Jim: "So, Marina had nothing to do with taking down our channels or freezing our accounts!? It was all Brent!?"

Quinn nodded.

Jim: "God, I'm an idiot!"

Quinn: "I'm inclined to agree."

Jim: "Look, what I did was stupid and immature. I'm sorry."

Quinn: "Jim, the next time something like this happens run it by me before you try to get even....so I can talk you out of doing something stupid."

Jim sighed.

Jim: "Alright, Quinn. Sorry."

Quinn: "Apology accepted."

They hug.

Quinn (sultry voice): "So, now that we've resolved that issue, what do you say we seal the deal?"

Jim perks up.

Jim: "You mean..."

Quinn nods suggestively.

Quinn: "Hot make up sex."

Jim: "Go right ahead. I'll be up after quick phone call."

This strikes Quinn as reasonable.

Quinn: "I'll be waiting...sexy!"

She walks suggestively out of the office. Once alone, Jim whips out his cell phone.

Jim: "Hey, Dad...Listen, I need a favor...You'll like this one..."

* * *

 **Scene 6**  
 **Ext. Shot:** An apartment building in Manhattan, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** Brent's apartment

Brent makes his way to the door as someone knocks. He opens. It's Tony Carbone, and he has a vicious smirk on his face.

Brent: "Yes!"

Tony: "You Brent Kusakabe?"

Brent: "Yes, and you are...?"

Tony: "Tony Carbone, Quinn's father-in-law. " He balls up his fists. "I'm also an ex-Army Ranger and Delta Force assaulter who killed a hundred gooks in 'Nam."

Brent assumes a fighting stance, only to learn the hard way that competition style karate is less effective than the kind taught in Ranger/Special Forces training.

Brent (VO, off screen): "OW! YOU BROKE ALL FOUR OF MY LIMBS, YOU PSYCHO!!!"

Tony (VO, off screen): "OHH-RAH!!!"

This is followed by the sound of ribs cracking.

**End Credits.**

Thanks to Lady Evil for giving me the idea and writing some of the second scene, laying a solid foundation for me to build on.


	4. Job Dissatisfaction

**Opening Montage**  
 **Music:** "I May Hate You Sometimes" by The Posies

At first we see a still of Daria at her high school graduation. This is immediately followed by a still of Quinn at her graduation. From there we cut to a shot of Quinn in a college dorm with Nicole. This is followed by Daria and Jane in their apartment in Boston. Cut to a still of Quinn and Jim's first meeting on a train. This is followed by a shot of Nicole and Jamie kissing on the beach. From there we cut to a shot of Daria and Jane staring at an eviction notice. Cut to a shot of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. This is followed by a shot of Daria taking a job in New York and moving into her own place. Next, a shot of Sandi and Tom's wedding. This is followed by a shot of Quinn at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see a For Sale sign going up in front of Quinn and Jim's house in Lawndale. This is followed by a shot of them moving into a new house in New York. Next, a shot of Trent sleeping on the job while his bartender, Smitty, rolls his eyes. Then, a shot of Tommy and Timmy playing with Shane and Lexi Sloane while Alyssa Lane shreds on a guitar in the background with Teddy and Rachel White (Jamie and Nicole's daughter) watching with obvious disdain. The adults all enter the picture as it morphs into a group shot of the main cast gathered in the Carbone's front yard and we hear the chorus "I may hate you sometimes, but I'll always love you." A caption forms in front of them. It reads...

**"Life Goes On"**   
**Ep. 3**   
**"Job Dissatisfaction"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

**Act I**   
**Rockefeller Center, day...**

On 50th street directly across from Radio City Music Hall is a building with a familiar rainbow colored peacock logo on the front. The network is called CBN, the Corporate Broadcasting Network (for copyright reasons, and to avoid a defamation suit). Inside one of the studios there is a show taping in progress. The stage has a desk and guest chairs off to one side and an orchestra pit on the other side. While the studio has theater seating the seats are empty due to Covid restrictions. Suddenly, a curtain falls over the stage and the studio goes dark. In a booth off to the side a man speaks into a microphone.

"From Rockefeller Center in New York, it's The Evening Show with Frankie LePope. Featuring Danny Moreno and The Evening Show Band. Now, heeeeeeerrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeee's Frankie!"

As the cameras begin rolling Frankie emerges from behind the curtain and a laugh track plays. Frankie LePope has slicked back black hair and wears a three-piece Armani suit. As he makes buddy-buddy gestures towards an imaginary audience the laugh track plays the sounds of cheering and applause. As the applause dies down Frankie speaks.

"Thank you, thank you very much! We have a great show planned for you tonight! Special guests include Selena Gomez and..."

Daria Morgendorffer, the lone female writer on Frankie's staff, emerged from behind the curtain and walked right up to Frankie. She whispered something in his ear that caused him to immediately look disappointed.

"What do you mean Selena cancelled at the last minute!?"

Daria whispered something else in Frankie's ear.

"Dammit!" said Frankie in mock disappointment, "I book her months in advance and she punks out on me because of some Kung Fu virus!?! What ever happened to toughing it out!?!"

**Later...**

Frankie sat behind his desk as taping wrapped up.

"Thank you, you've been great! Tune in tomorrow night for special musical guest Lady GaGa!....Unless she wusses out on me too."

It was at this point that the director spoke.

"Annnnd...Cut!"

As the cameras stopped rolling Frankie breathed a huge sigh of relief.

"Thank God!"

He immediately reached into his desk and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels, a bottle of amphetemines and a mirror with some fresh cut lines of grade-A Colombian on it. He popped the amphetemines, washed them down with some Jack, then snorted two lines of coke.

"Ahhhhh! That's the shit right there!"

Daria walked up to Frankie.

"Hey, Daria" said the talk show host, "thanks for helping me with that opening sketch!"

Daria said "Well, I did write it."

"How can I repay you?" said Frankie, "Besides the six-figure salary I already give you, that is."

Daria used this opportunity to ask for credit, something she never receives despite it being in her contract. "Well, you could have me mentioned in the credits for a change."

Frankie's eyes went wide with shock (or maybe it was just the speed and cocaine kicking in).

"HAH...ho...ho...HA...hee-hee...AHA, HA, HA, HA, HA! HO, HO...AH...Good one, Daria...heh...You had me going there for a second! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, HO HO HO HO HO, HEH HEH HEE HEE!!!!!!"

Daria frowned but was not the least bit surprised by his reaction. Before she can say anything, however, the head of the network appears.

The network head was a crusty man in his late fifties, though he looks older, with thinning gray hair.

"Frankie, we need to talk!"

Frankie became visibly nervous.

 _Finally, an intervention!_ Daria thought.

Frankie nervously explained to the network head "Look, I've just been a little stressed out! I don't have a drug problem, I swear!"

Shrugging, the network head said "I don't give a shit about that. You could OD and die during a live broadcast for all I care. What I do give a shit about, though, is ratings, and yours are crap."

One of the technicians wheeled out a monitor and handed the network head a remote.

"This is what's beating you in your time slot."

He turns on the monitor. On the screen was the following title...

"The Jew Man Group"

It then shows a bunch of rabbi's with blue face paint doing a Jewish wedding dance.

"La-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-lada-de-da."

Annoucer on TV: "Join us tomorrow night for more of this."

Repeat what I just described.

Daria and Frankie both cringe.

* * *

**Glenville High School, Long Island...**

The sprawling campus consisted of multiple red brick buildings surrounding a courtyard. Behind this was a massive athletic complex consisting of the gym, a soccer field, a baseball field, tennis courts, a running track, an obsticle course where Junior ROTC went through their drills, a practice field and a football stadium. In the school buildings was a classroom door that read "Mr. Jamie White, History". Inside, Jamie stood in front of the class of bored high school students teaching history. While he's not the intense wreck that Mr. DeMartino was one can still tell that after ten years of teaching US and world history to teenagers who don't give a damn was starting to take it's toll. Not helping things was the fact that the students he had this period included the dumb, over-privilidged quarterback and his stuck up, ditzy cheerleader girlfriend.

"Class" he said, "Today we're continuing to talk about the first wave of westward expansion in the early nineteenth century. Can anyone explain to me the meaning of the phrase 'Manifest Destiny'?"

One of the students, a girl with messy blonde hair and no makeup who dressed as a hipster, raised her hand.

"Yes, Leslie" said Jamie.

Leslie explained "Manifest Destiny was a slogan in the 1840's used by people who believed it was God's will that the US should expand all the way to the Pacific Ocean. Many Mexicans strongly disagreed."

Jamie smiled. She reminds me of Quinn's sister he thought as he said "That's very good, Leslie."

Leslie tried to ignore the snickers from the popular kids.

"Geek" whispered a fashionably dressed girl who looked and acted like Sandi Griffin with blonde hair.

"Loser" whispered the auburn haired beauty who was clearly the Quinn of the group.

Not bothering to whisper, the quarterback said "Brain".

"BRYCE!" Jamie barked at the QB.

Startled, the chisled, brown haired and well-muscled Bryce blurted out "Ronald Reagan!"

Jamie let out a frustrated sigh. "Since you wanted to insult one of your classmates" Jamie said with a malicious grin, "Maybe you can tell me what war Manifest Destiny was used to justify."

Bryce shrugged. "I don't know, Mr. W. I'm the QB, I don't have time for geek stuff."

Jamie said "Do you have time for detention? Because that's where you're going if you keep this up."

Bryce shrugged, knowing that his punishment would be revoked immediately because he's the star quarterback.

Trying not to lose his patience, Jamie said "You still have to answer the question."

Bryce said "Iraq War?"

Jamie rolled his eyes. "That happened 160 years later."

Bryce scratched his head as he tried to come up with the right answer. Finally, he said "Vietnam War?"

After a frustrated sigh, Jamie said "One of these days I'll tell you about the quarterback at my high school and what a loser he is today."

Bryce said "Not happening, man. I am so gonna be in the NFL."

Jamie turned his attention to Bryce's girlfriend, a big-breasted brunette cheerleader named Jessica. "I'm DEFINITELY gonna regret this, but Jessica, can you tell me which war we fought with the Mexicans over Manifest Destiny?"

Twirling her hair on her finger in a manner reminiscent of Brittany Taylor, Jessica said "World War II?"

Jamie reacted with a facepalm and a frustrated sigh. No wonder DeMartino went insane.

* * *

**An apartment building in SoHo, evening...**

In the spacious loft Jane shares with her absentee husband she and Daria were watching TV. On the TV screen and was an image of a gold statue in front of an office building. A bunch of people in business suits were kneeling in front of the statue.

"We know bosses can be demanding, but how many demand that their employees worship them! Corporate Cult, next on Sick, Sad World!"

As the TV cut to a commercial Daria and Jane commenced with the rolling commentary.

"You think Frankie's watching this?" asked Jane.

Daria said "God, I hope not! He's hard enough to deal with as a drug-addicted prima donna. I really don't wanna wrangle him if he develops a god-complex."

Jane offered reassurance. "Well, at least he's hiring more writers. That should take the load off." After a brief pause, she added "Or did he dump that one on your shoulders too?"

"Thankfully, no," said Daria. "Normally, our producer handles the hiring of write staff. Frankly, if it weren't for Mr. Morrison pulling for me I'd still be unemployed and mooching off my parents in Lawndale."

Jane said "I thought they sold the house in Lawndale?"

"They did" said Daria, "But it's a stretch to say they live in West Palm Beach when they're hardly ever home."

Jane said "Well, at least they didn't decide to spend their retirement years at a commune in New Mexico like my parents."

After a chuckle, Jane shifted the subject back to Daria's job.

"So, your producer is handling the hiring?"

Daria frowned.

"Unfortunately, no. This time he delegated the responsibility to Frankie and I'm expected to break the new hire in."

Jane's eyes went wide.

"You're gonna have to mentor someone chosen by a cokehead with a drinking problem? Yikes!"

Daria tried to be optimistic (a first).

"Maybe Frankie will sober up long enough to make a good decision for a change."

Jane gave Daria a 'who are you kidding' look. Seeing this, Daria frowned as she said "I'm totally screwed, aren't I?"

Jane nodded.

"Yup."

* * *

**Casa Carbone, Long Island, the next day...**

Quinn was in the kitchen frosting some cupcakes that she'd just taken out of the oven. A tripod mounted camera recorded this. The frosting formed a swirl pattern of blue and white giving way to green and yellow. Quinn frosted the last cupcake and put the tube down. Next, she turned toward the camera.

"And there you have it, my End Of Winter Cupcakes!!! Next time, I'll show you how to make angel food cake and use the leftover batter as a mud mask. Don't forget to like and subscribe. This is Quinn with 'S'mores 'n' Pores', cooking good and looking good! Byeeeeeeee!"

Quinn then proceeded to shut off the camera. At this point, the doorbell rang. Quinn went to answer.

**Main entrance, a few seconds later...**

Quinn opened the door to find an Asian woman standing there. This woman looks like Tiffany with a Brittany sized rack. It's Jamie's wife and Quinn's best friend, Nicole White (nee Yagami). Quinn smiled.

"Nicole, how are you?"

Nicole came in and the two friends hugged.

"I'm good, Quinn. Just figured I'd pay a visit."

Quinn proceeded to lead her best friend to the living room. Once there they both sit down and start talking.

"So" said Quinn, "how are things?"

"Good" answered Nicole, "Rachel's back in school and Jamie's back at work. You?"

"Same," Quinn replied, "Boys are back in school and Jim's in the garage making a car video."

Nicole said "I'm surprised I haven't seen him. I know he's home."

Quinn stifled a laugh. "You know Jim. When he's working on cars in the garage he gets so into it that he loses awareness of the outside world."

Nicole playfully replied "Tell me about it. Jamie's gotten so enthusiastic about his job it's all he ever talks about lately."

Quinn raised an eyebrow, which Nicole noticed. This prompted her to add "I expect his enthusiasm to wane by the end of the week, that's how long it takes for the idiocy of his students to sap all the joy out of teaching history."

Quinn giggled.

"My history teacher in high school was the same way, constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown."

Nicole giggled.

"I remember you telling me stories about him. What was his name again?"

"DeMartino. He was so stressed out that he'd yell every other word and his eye would bulge everytime that happened."

Nicole said "Well, Jamie's on his way to becoming like that." After a pause, she added "If the pandemic hadn't doubled his time off last year he might be like that already."

Both women laughed.

* * *

**Frankie LePope's office at CBN, the next day...**

Daria was seated in front of Fankie's desk while Frankie was seated behind the desk with a huge smile on his face.

"Daria, I called you in because I've hired a new writer for our team. You should be thrilled, you're no longer the only female writer on staff."

"Does this mean my name will be in the show's credits now?" Daria asked rhetorically.

Frankie burst out in laughter.

"HA...HO HO...HEH...AHHH-HA...Good one, Daria!"

Frankie failed to notice that Daria was visibly not amused. "Seriously" he said, "it was a long and well thought out decision. I even gave her an interview, which I meticulously prepaired for."

"Let me guess" said Daria in her usual deadpan, "you prepared for the interview with five lines and half a bottle of Captain Morgan."

Frankie laughed again.

"HAH...Good one!"

"I was being serious."

Frankie smiled. "Don't be silly, Daria. I didn't do five lines and a bottle of Captain Morgan before an interview. It was Dewars."

This did nothing to put Daria at ease. Frankie pressed the talk button on his intercom.

"Send the new writer in."

The door opened and the new writer came in. Daria gasped in shock when she saw who it was.

Frankie said "Daria, this is your new collaborator!"

Daria stared in shock.

The new writer, a petite asian woman in her late 30's, was equally shocked. "Youuu're...Quinn's...weirrd...sissterrrrrrr!"

Daria rolled her eyes.

"You've gotta be kidding me!"

Yes, the new writer is Tiffany Blum-Deckler.

* * *

**Act II**   
**Frankie LePope's office, CBN-TV...**

Daria gasped in horror as she'd just met the latest addition to the writing staff. The good news was that she was no longer the only female writer on staff. The bad news was that the new writer was Tiffany Blum-Deckler.

"You've gotta be kidding me," said Daria, "You hired her!?"

Confused, Frankie asked "Do you two know each other?"

"Unfortunately" said Daria.

Added Tiffany "I waass friennds wiiith heerr sisssterrr innn hiiigh schoooollllll."

Daria said "Frankie, in the interests of protecting the security of your show, and hence my own job, I feel it's necessary to inform you that Tiffany's the worst possible choice for a staff writer."

Frankie said "Daria, you heard the producer. We need to beef up ratings."

Daria said "And I seriously doubt we can do that when one of our writers is someone who reads at a first grade level, if at all."

Tiffany scrunched her nose in disgust. "Boooookkksssss, ewwwwwwwwww!"

Frankie, as usual, did not take Daria's concern seriously. "Be that as it may" he said, "I still feel Tiffany's the best candidate for the job."

Daria raised a suspicious eyebrow. "I'm afraid to ask, but what exactly convinced you that she's qualified to write for a nationally televised late night talk show?"

Frankie confirmed her suspicions by saying "She's hot, and unlike certain other members of the staff, willing to put out for the position."

Daria's eyes narrowed as she knew that she was the 'certain other members' to whom her boss was referring.

"Speaking of which" Frankie added, "could you give me and Tiffany some privacy?"

Tiffany said nothing, but smiled provocatively at Frankie.

Daria thought _If we weren't in a recession I'd quit over this_.

* * *

**Jane's SoHo loft, that evening...**

Daria and Jane were eating pizza. Daria has just told her about the latest development at work.

"Daria" said Jane, "Has your boss completely lost his mind?"

Daria replied "More like he's thinking with the wrong head...as usual."

"So, Tiffany traded sexual favors for a job," said Jane, "Why does that not surprise me?"

Daria frowned. "That's not even the worst part. I can handle the fact that my boss is a womanizing junkie, I can tolerate the fact that Tiffany's a barely literate moron who's coasting through life on her exotic Asian looks, but now I have to collaborate with her on the next sketch."

Jane said "You know the end result of this is gonna be you, Tiffany and Frankie all out of a job, right?"

"Don't remind me" said Daria, "I would've quit already if it weren't for the fact that I have zero chance of finding employment elsewhere." After a pause, she added "Damn pandemic."

Jane couldn't come up with a way to make light of this, so she decided to comfort Daria instead.

"You know, you could always partner up with me. We could make a graphic novel. You write the story and I do the art."

Daria said "Jane, you know how I feel about working with people I consider family."

"Come on, Daria" said Jane, "You have to admit it's better than putting up with Frankie's drunken, drug-fueled antics."

Daria sighed. "Jane, remember the last time we collaborated on a creative project."

Jane said "I remember being rejected by every publisher we pitched the idea to." After a pause, Jane admitted "Yeah, the kind of people graphic novels target aren't very receptive to our brand of humor."

"But the kind of people who watch late night TV are" said Daria, "which is why I continue to stomach Frankie's crap."

Jane smirked. "Maybe I should get a job on the show."

Daria asked "Can you write a funny sketch?"

"No."

"Then are you willing to have sex with your boss in lieu of doing actual work?"

"No."

"You're not qualified."

"I see your point" said Jane.

* * *

**Glenville High, the next day...**

The students had all filled the classroom when Jamie came in. He'd just returned from his lunch break with a briefcase which contained the graded quizzes he was going to hand back. Placing his briefcase on the desk, Jamie sat down. As he got the tests out he noticed the class looking at him with an unusual amount of interest.

"Something going on?"

Bryce said "No, Mr. W. Just, like, looking forward to class."

Jamie could see that Bryce was trying to keep a straight face, but decided not to press the issue.

"Fine, here are your quizzes from yesterday."

Jamie got up and handed them to the students. What he didn't know was that his khaki pants now had a massive brown stain on the bottom. This was because Jamie hadn't seen on the brown ink on the chair before sitting in it. As such, he wondered why each student he passed by snickered immediately afterward. Finally, he reached Bryce.

"Yet another F" Jamie said, "Which I know is gonna be voided by the coach as soon as the principal orders it."

Smiling proudly, Bryce said "'Cause I'm the QB."

As Jamie passed by, Bryce pointed at his ass.

"DUDE, MR. W DID NUMBER TWO IN HIS PANTS!!!!!"

The whole class erupted in laughter as Jamie placed a hand on his ass, removed it, and gasped in horror at the brown stain on his hand.

"GAH!"

Jamie was so shocked that he jumped back. Unfortunately, when he did this it caused him to pop out of his right prosthetic leg. As the prosthetic fell to the side, Jamie fell flat on his ass.

"EWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!" exclaimed Jessica when she saw this.

"DUDE!" exclaimed Bryce, "MR. WHITE'S GOT DETACHABLE LEGS!!!!"

The whole class laughed. Several of the guys high fived and sang Bryce's praises.

"BRYCE IS AWESOME!!" said one guy.

Another one said "BRYCE, YOU DA MAN!"

Jamie shouted "WILL SOMEONE HELP ME UP!?!"

Bryce and his best friend, a blonde running back with a surfer's tan, exchanged smirks.

"Dude" said Bryce, "He's stuck!"

"And yet" said his BFF, "we're not."

Bryce, the blonde guy and Jessica immediately left the classroom. The rest of the class followed like the obedient little sheep that they are.

"IS SOMEONE GONNA HELP ME!?!" shouted a desperate Jamie.

Instead of helping, every single one of the kids took out their smart phones, snapped pictures, and hit send. They all then left Jamie helpless on the floor as they ditched class.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at CBN studios...**

Daria and Tiffany were in the conference room brainstorming ideas. Unsurprisingly, it's not going well.

"We could write a sketch about the Capitol Riots" said Daria, "Make the rioters out do be Nazi Storm Troopers during the Beer Hall Putsch."

Tiffany, obviously, has no idea what Daria's talking about.

"Whaaat?"

Daria sighed.

"In the early 1920's Adolf Hitler led a failed attempt to overthrow the German government. I'm suggesting we write a sketch that compares last month's riot in DC to that event, complete with a portrayal of Donal Trump as Hitler."

Tiffany still doesn't get it.

"Whooo's Hiitlerrrrr?"

Daria rolled her eyes.

"You're serious!? You really have no idea who Hitler is!?"

"Nooo" said Tiffany, "Waas heee cuuutttteeee?"

Daria said "I guess if you're attracted to genocidal psychos with patchy mustaches he was."

Tiffany scrunched her nose in disgust.

"Ewwwww!!! Mustaches are soooo....seventies!"

Daria said "And it doesn't help that this particular mustache wearer was responsible for the worst act of genocide in recorded history."

Tiffany was confused.

"Whaat's gennnooooociiidde?"

Daria let out a frustrated sigh.

"Why does it not surprise me that you don't know what genocide is?"

Tiffany said nothing and just sat there looking confused. Suddenly, Frankie came in.

"How goes the brainstorm session, ladies?"

"Ooookaaayyyy, I gueeeess" said Tiffany.

Added Daria "If by okay you mean totally unproductive."

"That's great" said Frankie, who clearly wasn't listening. Turning his attention to Tiffany, he asked "Could you join me in the office?"

Tiffany asked "Arrrre weee goonnnnaaaa haave seeexxx aaaagaaiinnn?"

Grinning lecherously, Frankie said "You bet, babe."

Smiling, Tiffany said "Suuurrrre."

Daria asked "Does Steve know about this?"

Suddenly nervous, Frankie asked "Who's Steve?"

Tiffany said "Myyy eeexxx-huussbaaannnd."

Daria quietly chided herself. _Dammit, I forgot that he divorced her when the next trophy wife came along!_

With that, Frankie and Tiffany left the room exchanging lustful smiles. Once alone, Daria began to bang her head on the table in a fit of frustration.

* * *

**Evening Show soundstage, a few days later...**

They were in the process of taping the next episode of The Evening Show with Frankie LePope. Behind the cameras were Daria, Tiffany and the network head, all observing the taping as they were wrapping up Daria's most recent sketch. On the stage Frankie faced the camera dressed as Donald Trump.

With a 'who, me' grin Frankie said "Hey, it worked for Hitler."

"Annnd...cut!" said the director.

Turning to Daria and Tiffany, the network head said "That was great, you two. Sketches like this are gonna put this show right back at the top of the ratings."

Tiffany said "Iiiiii'mmmm aaaa geeeniooousss!"

Daria deadpaned "Despite the fact that I wrote the whole thing myself because you were busy getting busy in Frankie's office."

The network head thinks nothing of this.

"I any event, this time I'll make sure you get due credit."

Daria smiled. _At least I get something out of this soul-crushing state of affairs._

**Daria's apartment in Hell's Kitchen, a few nights later...**

Daria was seated on the couch with her cat, Godzilla, curled over her lap. Godzilla purred as Daria stroked him while watching TV. She was watching the evening show. This was the one that included her sketch lampooning the rioters in the capitol as modern day Nazi's. Daria had a satisfied grin.

 _This is it_ she thought, _After almost nine-years I'm finally gonna be mentioned in the show's credits_.

As the end credits rolled Daria waited for her name in anticiaption. Finally...

"DC Putsch"  
written by  
Tiffany Blum-Deckler

That was it. No mention of Daria. Tiffany was being given all the credit. Daria was absolutely livid.

_You've gotta be kidding me._

* * *

**Act III**   
**Casa Carbone, day...**

Quinn and Nicole were in the kitchen talking over tea. With barely contained fury Nicole was explaining to Quinn what Jamie's students did to him the other day.

"...and if it were up to me those bastards would be fucking crucified" Nicole finished in an angry tone.

Quinn said "Nicole, that's terrible!" After a brief pause, Quinn asked "What's the school doing about it?"

"Nothing" Nicole growled, "That's what's so infuriating. As long as this Bryce kid is the ring leader there's no reason for the other kids to fear any consequences. The school won't do anything because Bryce is the star quarterback." Nicole took a breath to calm herself before continuing. "Nothing's changed since the 90's. A varsity letter is STILL a license to do whatever you want and get away with it."

Quinn cringed slightly, remembering what it was like back at Lawndale high. Kevin, fortunately, was not mean spirited but merely too dumb to know any better, making it a benevolent despotism. Bryce, on the other hand, knows how privilidged he is and is clearly taking full advantage. Quinn also cringed due to the lingering guilt she felt for having gone along with the rigid caste system in high school that favors the attractive and athletic while cruelly shunning everyone else. Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of the door opening. A second later, Daria entered. This did not strike anyone as unusual as Daria, despite not actually living there, had her own key and a blank check from Quinn to use it whenever she wished.

"Hey, Quinn..." Daria acknowledged the other guest. "...Nicole. What's going on?"

"Hey, Daria" said Quinn.

Nicole explained "I'm just here to bitch with Quinn about something Jamie's students did to him the other day." When Daria curiosly raised an eyebrow, Nicole added "His students, led by Mister Football Hero, put brown ink in his chair to make it look like he'd done number two in his pants. After this, he was so startled that he fell out of one of his prosthetics and the students ditched class because he was not able to stop them."

Daria sighed. "That Bowling For Soup song was right, high school never does end."

Wanting a changed of subject, Quinn asked "What's going on with you, sis?"

Daria asked "Did either of you watch LePope last night?"

Both Quinn and Nicole shook their heads.

Daria said "They credited Tiffany Blum-Deckler for a sketch that I wrote."

Quinn and Nicole both gasped in shock.

"Tiffany!?" said Quinn.

"You mean she's not totally illiterate!?" said Nicole.

After a frustrated sigh, Daria said "She got a staff writing job at the station...by fufilling Mr. LePope's sexy asian fantasies on a regular basis."

Neither Quinn nor Nicole are surprised by this. They both know what a womanizing train wreck Frankie is off camera.

Daria said "What's especially upsetting is that I've been writing for this show for the past eight years and only ever been compensated in the form of a paycheck. While I like being paid I'd also like some public acknowledgement. I've never once been mentioned in the credits, even though the male writers routinely are. Tiffany gets credit for a sketch that I wrote while she was riding the boss' dick." Daria let out a defeated sigh before continuing. "I guess I should just accept the fact that as a woman I'll always be judged solely for my sex appeal and any attempt to change that is doomed to fail."

"Daria" said Quinn, "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Daria said, "Society is just structured that way and any change has to be imposed from outside."

Quinn smirked as she got an idea. "Daria," she said, "I think I just figured out how to solve your problem. I'm a hugely popular YouTuber."

Daria looked at her sister with morbid curiosity. "I'm listening."

* * *

**White residence, evening...**

Nicole and Jamie were having a conversation while getting sitting in bed. Nicole explained to her husband what was going on with Quinn and Daria.

"...so Quinn's gonna make a YouTube video exposing the rampant sexism at CBN and threaten to make it public if they don't give Daria the credit she deserves. Maybe she could do something similar for you."

Jamie was tempted by the offer, but refused. "Nicole," he said, "As much of a self-important jerk as Bryce is I'd lose my job over this."

Nicole said "Not if firing you makes the school look bad."

Jamie said "Nicole, I appreciate the offer." Jamie appears thoughtful for a second. "Let's wait and see. If Quinn's attempt to get Daria her due works, then I'll take her up on the offer. I'm sorry, but you know that losing my legs in a war zone has made me very risk averse."

Nicole nodded in understanding. She knew that Jamie's real legs had been blown off while he was providing covering fire that allowed the rest of his platoon to escape an enemy ambush on the streets of Baghdad. Naturally, this made him very hesitant to take risks since then. She also knew what to say about it when the subject came up.

"What you did was very brave" Nicole said.

"I know," Jamie replied with a frown, "I just wish I hadn't become a scarred, legless freak as a result."

Nicole put a reassuring hand on Jamie's shoulder. One thing she learned from being with a combat veteran is that the most damaging wounds are often the psychological ones, not the physical.

"You're not a freak, Jamie, and I'm not saying that just to be nice. Yes, you no longer have legs and, yes, you have scars on your chest and back, but that doesn't bother me. I got used to you not having legs pretty quickly, and the scars make you look more rugged. In fact, I actually think you're sexier with the scars." She said that last sentence in a suggestive tone.

"Thanks, Nicole" said Jamie.

Nicole said "In fact..." She lowered the bedsheets, revealing her naked body to her husband. "...why don't you tell Nurse Nicole where it hurts so I can make it feel better?"

This caused Jamie to smile. Nothing gets a man out of a funk better than being laid by his hot, Asian-American wife.

* * *

**CBN Studios, a few days later...**

The network head's office was an ornately decorated penthouse suite with a commanding view of the rest of midtown Manhattan. The network head himself was sitting at his desk when his intercom buzzed. He immediately pressed the talk button.

"Yes?"

"Sir, your one o'clock is here."

"Send her in."

Quinn entered a second later, accompanied by Daria. Daria was holding Quinn's laptop.

"Quinn" said the network head, "lovely to meet you." He sees Daria. "What are you doing here, Ms. Morgendorffer?"

Smiling sweetly, Quinn said "I wanted my sister present at the meeting. I hope you don't mind."

Falling for her charms, the network head said "Not at all. You said you wanted to pitch the possibility of making S'mores 'n' Pores a CBN show."

"Actually," said Quinn, "That was just so you'd agree to this meeting."

Placing the laptop on the desk, Daria said "We actually want to show you this."

**Later...**

The network head was visibly worried as the video wrapped.

"So, you two are actually blackmailing me!?"

"More like threatening to sue for back pay" said Daria.

Quinn said "I haven't posted the video yet, but do you really want the bad publicity that would come from a video that explains in lurid detail just how rampant sexism is at this station? Particularly given what a hot button issue that's become in recent years?"

Gulping with dread, the network head asked "What do you want?"

Daria said "To be credited for my contributions to The Evening Show, just as Tiffany and all the male staff writers are now."

Quinn said "Otherwise, I post the video on the channel and encourage my considerable online following to picket you guys."

The network head said "You know, it's just your word against ours. I can respond with a defamation suit."

Smirking, Daria said "Well, I guess you've got us..." She pauses for a second. "...unless we already thought of that."

The network head raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Quinn said "Our mother's a retired lawyer who remains licensed to practice law in all fifty states. You press the issue and she'd be happy to come out of retirement for this. Ask anyone at your Lawndale station about Helen Morgendorffer."

The network head gulped with dread. "I...I know who that is. Twenty years ago our Lawndale subsidiary was sued for defamation by Vitale, Davis, Riordin, Horowitz, Schrecter, Schrecter and Schrecter. Morgendorffer was the attorney on the case, and she destroyed us in the court proceedings."

"So," said Quinn, "if you don't want history to repeat itself I strongly suggest you give my sister what you owe her."

The network head let out a defeated sigh. This woman is DEFINITELY her mother's daughter.

Daria flashed her trademark half-smile.

* * *

**Meanwhile, at Glenville High...**

Jamie is once again lecturing the class.

"So, can anyone tell me what we got out of the Mexican-American way?"

Bryce immediately raised his hand.

"Yes, Bryce?"

Bryce said "We got your momma's ass?"

The whole class laughed. Several of the other football players high fived Bryce.

Through gritted teeth, Jamie said "If you weren't the QB I'd make you spend the rest of your life in detention for that one." Rather than allow the privilidged jerk to antagonize him further, Jamie turned his attention to the chalk board. "Now, since no one knows the answer, we're going to go over this again."

As Jamie drew before and after maps of the US in the 1840's Bryce smirked as he loaded a spitball cannon. He fired a spitball that hit the back of Jamie's head. Jamie growled under his breath as he thought _Don't let them get to you. Don't let them get to you._

Jamie finished drawing the maps and turned to face the class.

"Now, we got what's now the southwest as a concession from Mexico and..."

"Taco Bell" said Bryce.

Jamie rolled his eyes. "Very funny, Bryce. Now, can anyone tell me what immediately followed the war. What was the catalyst for the widespread settlement of California the following year?"

Bryce raised his hand.

"Yes, Bryce?"

Bryce said "Being a movie star."

Jamie rubbed his temples. "No, it was the California Gold Rush."

"Cool" said Bryce, "But isn't it better for a record to go platinum."

Jamie placed his hands on the desk and lowered his head.

_Don't let him get to you. Don't let him get to you. Don't let him get to you._

Bryce fired another spitball. This one hit the top of Jamie's head. Jamie's knuckles suddenly turned white. He looked up. As he spoke, his right eye bulged out of it's socket.

"ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!"

Jamie threw the stuff atop his desk aside and proceeded to chew out the now startled class. Every time he shouted, his right eye bulged out of it's socket.

"Since you MORONS have no desire to be anything but degenerate SLACKERS, maybe I should FLUNK every last one of you IDIOTS..." He walked over to Bryce. "...ESPECIALLY YOU, YOU SELF-ENTITLED PIECE OF SHIT!!!! ARRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Jamie then took Bryce's notebook and threw it on the floor.

Nervous, Bryce said "Um, Mr. W, you're, like, scaring us."

Jamie got right in Bryce's face.

"GOOD!!!!!!!!"

Bryce was too startled to do anything more than let out a frightened "eep". Jamie made his way back to the head of the class.

"NOW, since you LOSERS haven't learned a GODDAMN THING, I'm going to give you all TRIPLE HOMEWORK AND A QUIZ TOMORROW. Ah, ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha, HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

Each student wet his or her pants in terror. Jamie White has now become the next Anthony DeMartino.

* * *

**Jane's SoHo loft, evening...**

Daria and Jane were hanging out and having pizza. Daria was explaining what happened with the network.

"...so Tiffany was fired and from now on I'm going to be publicly acknowledged for my contributions."

Jane said "Maybe the system's not rigged against us regular folk after all."

Deadpan, Daria said "Not if your sister's a YouTuber with a large following and your mother's a lawyer with a fearsome reputation."

Jane smirked. "Who says you've gone soft in your old age?"

Daria replied "I wasn't aware 39 was considered old."

Jane said "It's not, unless your a shallow asshole."

"Which most people are."

"True," said Jane, "Still, you are getting credit from now on AND you no longer have to work with Tiffany Blum-Deckler."

"Thank God" Daria replied.

* * *

**A Cafe in Lower Manhattan, the following afternoon...**

Daria was thanking Quinn for her help.

"Thanks, Quinn."

Quinn said "Daria, it was the right thing to do."

"So" said Daria, "Who else is joining us for lunch?"

"Sandi," said Quinn, "Her assistant's coming as well."

"Who's Sandi's new assistant?" Daria asked.

Quinn shrugged. "We'll find out when they get here."

Daria said "As long as it's not Tiffany, I'll be happy."

As if on cue, Sandi arrived. "Guess who I hired as my personal assistant" Sandi said with a smile.

Both Daria and Quinn gasp when they see who Sandi's new assistant is.

"Heeeeyyyy, Quinnnnn" said Tiffany.

Daria banged her head on the table in frustration.

**The End.**


End file.
